Edelweiss
by Arden Tenjou
Summary: Levi is heartbroken after losing Farran and Isabelle. He struggles to move on past his hatred of Erwin, and from this hatred forms an unbreakable bond. Yaoi, Erwin x Levi.
1. I'll Kill You

Note:

This story takes place in between the Levi-centric prequel arc and the first volume of the manga. Please read Shingeki no Kyojin: Kuinaki Sentaku (Attack on Titan: A Choice Without Regrets) for explanation of the plot.

...

Chapter One

After losing Farran and Isabelle, I felt like a ghost. Nothing around me had changed, but all color was drained, all meaning faded away. I was the only thing that didn't belong, so it felt natural that I should fade away too. But somehow, the animal me that fought starvation, decay and the human evil around me for most of my life made it impossible to imagine just abandoning the struggle. Maybe humans needed struggle, some form of hardship to survive. At the same time, I thought, if it was going to make me feel like this, I didn't need to care about anyone or anything ever again.

That night, the Survey Corps made it back inside the walls to count our losses and reassess, a type of masochistic learning curve I was already familiar with. I remember getting a few looks from meddlers like Hange as I passed through the horde of faceless uniforms. Clicking the latch on my horse's gate, walking through with faintly clunking boot heels on the old wood of the hallway, removing my cloak and placing it on the hook on my door. Turning and expecting to see Farran and Isabelle waiting on the two empty beds beside my own. Actions that were familiar and meaningless had now turned hateful, just with the knowledge of not having them here with me.

So my first expedition with the Survey Corps was officially over. And here I stood, alive, to bask in that accomplishment. I'd survived, and that meant I was now one of them in their eyes. An accolade I never would have desired. And one that now seemed like a slap in the face compared to the unbearable price that I had paid for it. Here at last, alone with my thoughts, the question floated up. In a moment of emotional upheaval, I had told Erwin I would follow him. But could I really do that? Did I have any responsibility to do so? Could I bear to bless the feet of the man who orchestrated my friends' deaths?

As I thought this I heard a knock on the door behind me. It echoed through the oddly empty room and in that moment, I realized that I had probably never been more alone. While not thinking much about it, I went to open the door.

Erwin stood there staring down at me like a big, stone obelisk. I spotted another giant leaning against the corner of the door frame. Although mostly just boots, messy bangs and a goatee from this angle, and obviously trying to avoid making eye contact with me. Miké. As if trying to make his presence left obvious, the goateed giant held back his usual habit of sniffing by instead rubbing his nose awkwardly.

I looked up at the two of them from my low angle, leaning on the open door without a word spoken. I waited a little longer for Erwin to speak. He seemed to be waiting for me to do something first. Unfortunately I neither had anything to say, nor could I muster the interest to ask what he wanted. The silence continued.

Eventually, after reading some clue that I wasn't aware I'd given, Erwin turned to Miké and nodded. "You can leave us, Miké. Thank you."

Miké's wolfish eyes flicked warily over at me. Finally he sniffed. "He's not in a mood to talk, Erwin. You might as well try to comfort a brick wall."

Comfort? I thought absently.

"At best, you're wasting your time," Miké went on, now not bothering to lower his tone. "You really think he won't lash out? This criminal?"

He was asking to have his throat ripped out. My face must have been scary right then because the normally expressionless Erwin twitched an eyebrow as he glanced down at me and then back to Miké.

"I'll be fine, Miké. Thanks for worrying, as always."

Miké cast one last displeased look back at me before he finally fucked off.

"May I come in?"

My eyes turned back to the remaining blond giant in the doorway. Unsurprisingly, looking at his statuesque face gave me nothing more than it ever did. I wasn't too excited about spending time with one of the architects of my despair at this moment, but ultimately it didn't matter where he was. He was still here, and they were gone. There was no justice.

Rather than answer him, I left the door open as I returned to my normal evening chores. He never said anything. Instead, he just sat down in Farran's old chair, watching me without a word. In the end I decided to treat him like the slab of granite he was and ignore him.

After that, Erwin stayed with me. I'm sure he knew how I felt about him personally. About the role he'd played in all of this. The fact was, I wanted to see his head roll across the grass outside the walls, as Isabelle's had done. I wanted to see him resigned to death, as Farran had been. I wanted him to feel their pain and then feel nothing at all, ever again. I made no effort to hide my feelings on the matter.

In spite of that, he didn't leave my side. Eventually, as I finished my tasks and sat down, he tried to get me to drink some water. Even if it had been clean (I was suspicious), I didn't want it. After about an hour of sitting in silence, I sat up and looked him in the eye.

"I watched my mother waste away to dry bones in the Underground," I said.

Almost no reaction. He just sat there like a lump, the blond giant, his calculating eyes hiding any trace of human emotion. "I'm sorry. How did she die?"

I shrugged. "Who knows. Maybe one of the diseases she picked up from her customers. Maybe the wasting sickness everyone had down there. I remember she couldn't walk for a long while before it happened. Maybe it was just hunger. Or she just gave up, because...well what did she have to keep trying for?"

"Most parents want to keep living for their children."

Though it might sound weird, I'm sure he said that without judgment. He knew I wouldn't take offense. I genuinely didn't know. "Huh," I replied. "It doesn't matter. She died and left me. I was fine though. Because I didn't care."

I watched him coldly and tried to see any kind of salvation in those icy blue eyes, even as poisonous anger for him dripped down into my vision. I still saw nothing in his eyes so I looked at the water he'd forced into my hands.

"It's funny. I've never felt pleasure at the idea of inflicting pain before. Not that I had any problem with it," I murmured, watching the miniature ripples in the water, reflecting the sound of my voice. "But when I cut that big fucker up...the one that killed them...it was like someone let loose my chains. Didn't realize killing could feel so good. I guess that's a merit to caring."

Still, Erwin didn't seem to have any opinion about what I was saying. He stayed there listening without judgment, eventually folding his arms and lowering his gaze. I scoffed at his noncommittal response.

"Asked the wrong person, I guess," I muttered, reluctantly taking a sip of the water. I grimaced because it didn't taste as clean as I would like. "You don't look like you've ever had fun in your life, Erwin Smith."

His blue eyes remained unfocused on the ground as he considered. "It was fun training with you," he answered after a brief pause. "And I'm not sure 'fun' is the right word, but I liked chasing you, back when we first met. Got the blood flowing, didn't it?"

"Strange hobby."

Erwin watched me searchingly before leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees in thought. "You don't want to hear this now..." His piercing blue eyes flicked up at me. "...but you don't have the luxury to lose yourself, Levi. We need you."

I watched him, wondering what he wanted me to say to that. I didn't answer.

"Not just the Survey Corps. Mankind. I'm sorry, but I have to ask you to deal with your pain as quickly as possible. You can have tonight, one night, to do or say or feel whatever you like." He raised his head and the tone of his voice hardened almost imperceptibly. "Tomorrow, and from then on, I need the strongest soldier alive by my side. And I'm afraid that's all there is to it."

Interesting, I thought. He thought his words could reach me. That would be tough though, when even my own thoughts didn't seem to penetrate to my heart. I was lost at sea. No. Sunk. So far beneath the shapeless dark water that I couldn't even see daylight anymore.

"Is that right?" I asked in monotone. I pushed out a sigh, unable to care even a little bit about his perspective on the issue. "Something special about tomorrow?"

I wasn't really expecting an answer, just feeling something odd about his phrasing. Nevertheless, I got one. "Colonel Shardis will resign his post," Erwin said coolly.

I glanced up at him, mildly interested in that. I didn't have much of an opinion about Keith Shardis, other than a bit of pity that he was doing a job for which he seemed unsuited. Erwin had been using him skillfully until now to get his own way anyway, so in most respects the change would likely make no difference. Except for one: it would put big a target on Erwin Smith's back where the government was concerned. I didn't hate that.

"Huh," I eventually replied.

"He's confided to me that he'll put my name up for his replacement," Erwin continued. "I have an excellent record and an argument prepared to advocate for myself before the royal council. There is every reason the Supreme Commander and nobility should accept me. So I may be your Commander by this time tomorrow."

"Congratulations, Commander. Should I throw you a party?"

Erwin's lip tugged upward in a half smile but I saw anger just below the surface of that expression. He instantly wiped it away, like sand in the wind.

"I'm telling you this because I want you to know that loyalty to me is something I value deeply," Erwin said softly, the candlelight casting unreadable shadows over his face. I realized having his full attention was somewhat frightening. The intensity he usually concealed, like a raging river beneath the glacial flow, started to rise up in the cold blue. "I return that loyalty with trust. That's the most valuable thing I can ever give anyone, precisely because it's so hard for me to part with it. I'm giving it to you, Levi."

I just kept staring at the water in my hands, far away now. What was he saying? I was having trouble connecting all his words, would have done even if he wasn't being irritatingly vague. Even words hanging in the air turned gray and lost their meaning before they reached me, just like the ripples fading from the surface of the water.

"Levi..."

I heard him say my name. It didn't mean anything, so I let it hang. I sensed him watching me, lips parted and a trace of human emotion flickering across his stoic face. But whatever emotion it was faded before I could grasp it, so it was much the same as it never happening at all. He glanced away and I felt something change in him in that moment. He straightened his back and all traces of compassion vanished.

"I'm sorry," he murmured coldly.

I blinked at that. I glanced up at him. "You're sorry?" I demanded softly. I'm not sure he sensed the danger rising as I continued in an undertone, "Interesting. What for? Specifically."

I expected an apology for pushing me too hard. In my experience, players like Erwin Smith always knew when to push and when to back off. I wouldn't argue this was a time to back off. Cajole me and comfort me a bit more before manipulating me into going his way. I wouldn't resent it if done eloquently. I knew I didn't have brains for using people like that and respected people who could. A survival instinct: always know who the big dogs are, the ones you can't cross. Intellectually speaking, that's what Erwin was.

So he should have been able to tell, he'd get no more positive movement from me for a while. Not when the only thing keeping me from sinking into pitch darkness was the pleasant thought of watching his life drain away before my eyes. Now, logically, a player like him should read the mood and back off. And yet...

"I'll say this clearly and without any attempt to shift blame," he said in an even tone. "It's my fault they're dead."

Ice shattered through my veins. The water rippled and threatened to spill as my hands tightened on the cup. The rage seeped into my blood like a drug as images blended together with horror and lingering shock. Farran's torso spilling out of that titan's gut. The resigned look on his face. Isabella's severed head lying in the grass, all that joy and brightness she gave to us faded forever. Only soft sadness left behind to mark their sweetness, already spilled and sinking into the grass and mud. Then gone forever. Over and over the shock of it flashing in my mind tore away my sanity. The world before my eyes was quickly staining from gray to noxious red.

"I didn't want them to die," Erwin continued, still without a hint of compassion in his tone. I barely heard him. "I didn't request them on this mission. But the fact remains, if I had never dragged you into the Survey Corps, they never would have been out there in the first place. I knew they wouldn't survive, not even one mission. I made the choice to let them die, if necessary, to get you here."

"What are you trying to do?" I whispered.

"I'm only voicing what your eyes are saying. I thought you could do with hearing it out loud. It's the truth, but no one but me will ever acknowledge it. Even I won't, after today."

"And what do you expect me to do now that I've heard it?" I growled. It was a good idea to put water in my hands. They ached for the knife hidden in my boot. If he said one more word about my friends, I decided right then I'd cut his throat.

He watched me impassively for a moment. "Try to kill me, perhaps."

I closed my eyes and nodded. "Let's take the 'perhaps' out of the equation."

I threw the water straight at him and my hand dove for my knife. The distraction of the water was enough for me to tackle him, chair and all to the ground with a loud crash. I froze, my knife high over his chest. But my black eyes met his cold blue ones for a fraction of a second. I saw the danger there and I hesitated.

He'll kill me, I realized. My self-protection instincts kicked in and I couldn't move.

In that moment of hesitation, Erwin grabbed my wrist, unbalanced me and slammed me on my back into the floor. I winced but immediately snarled up at him as he loomed over me.

I realized the expression on his face had never changed. He continued staring coldly down at me, and I almost started to feel judged by those emotionless eyes. But perhaps I was starting to get used to this man's face because just for a moment, I thought I saw something else. Anger. And somehow...compassion.

"How long would they have survived in the Underground?" he asked softly.

My eyes widened. I couldn't think clearly through the rage pounding in my blood. I shifted the grip on my knife. With him pinning me I couldn't manage much force or angle, but I cut just a little into his forearm as he pinned me there. The small red flower bloomed over his white shirt sleeve. He didn't even flinch.

"No," he corrected himself after a moment of thought. "Never mind the Underground. Say your plan had succeeded," he continued in the same soft, emotionless baritone. "Say your perfidious employer in the Diet had kept his promise and given you permission to live in the interior. Have you thought about what that life would have been like?"

While knowing I could not escape the iron grip and the nearly double my own weight hanging over me, I writhed on the floor like a wild animal. I kicked dents in the wood beneath us with my boot heels. I tore Erwin's shirt sleeve further with the knife. I could think of nothing but letting out my rage. I wanted to see him in pain. I didn't want to hear what he had to say...especially if it were true.

"You think the three of you would have melded seamlessly into the nobility? You think they would have welcomed your presence?" His eyes narrowed. "Or even tolerated it? Yes, let's say that even by some miracle Diet Member Loboff had kept his promise and moved the three of you into the interior when your mission to kill me was complete. Did you really think for one moment that they would have ever let you stay?"

I gritted my teeth and glared at him. I didn't want to hear it. What did it matter now? What good would it do to wonder? But his words echoed through me and my own pain briefly eclipsed the rage. I couldn't leave it there, couldn't let him be right.

I turned away from him. "Not me," I hissed.

"Not you?" he repeated, mocking me by treating me like a child. He considered before nodding slightly. "I see. Somehow you thought you could protect them if you separated yourself from them. "

"Shut up."

"You've probably protected them many times up until now. Staining your own hands to keep them clean-"

I was so angry I could have torn his skin off with my bare hands if they'd been free. "I told you to shut your mouth," I hissed.

"-no matter how dirty they seemed to the world..." he said at last. "To you, they were pure. I don't blame you. Everyone has something sacred to them, something they'd walk through fire to protect. You truly loved them, didn't you?"

My rage drained away as a new emotion sank in, one I was not used to. My eyes stung and my vision started to get blurry. Never having cried before that I could remember, I didn't know that's what it felt like. My hand trembled as it gripped the knife and I felt the strength in my muscles draining away.

"Don't talk...about them," I muttered.

The compassion had returned to Erwin's stoic face, flickering just beneath the frozen mask. Slowly, he released his grip on my hands and got to his feet. He stood over me for a moment as I lay there, limp and drained on the ground. I still held the knife in one hand but couldn't do anything with it now. For that moment, the loss of my friends hurt so much I couldn't even move.

"They kept your heart pure," Erwin murmured. "It didn't matter how deeply you wounded or sullied yourself for them." His cold eyes searched mine with simple, unemotional curiosity. "Would you have preferred it the other way? If you could have died to save them. Would you have died if it meant keeping them alive?"

My eyes were stinging and my body hurt too much to move. I thought of what I would have done, if I could, to save them. And then I felt a wave of sickness as I realized the truth.

"...No..."

I quickly rolled onto hands and knees and clapped a hand over my mouth. I arched my back to fight the sickness rising up in my throat. Erwin knelt beside me but didn't touch me as I gasped, collapsing with my head on the floor.

"Don't hold back," Erwin murmured. "You won't have another chance, so let it out now."

A strange noise rose like a dying animal rose from my throat as I clenched my fists and ached there on the ground.

"I...loved them," I gasped. More warmth streaked down my cheeks and droplets fell to the floor before my eyes, some dripping on my hands. Disgusting. "I loved them. More than anything. I would have done anything to keep them safe. Any amount of pain or sacrifice." I starred at the floor with blurred vision as a mysterious calm fell over me. I couldn't stop the truth from flowing out of me now. "But...I wouldn't die. What do you think about that? What kind of...monster would say that? Huh?"

Strangely, saying it out loud was somewhat of a relief, even though it meant admitting to something that terrified me: that I had never been human at all. When I compared myself to others, my insides were all black and vile. A monster. A creature far too corrupt and inhuman to live.

At that moment I lost my fight and threw up. I had hardly anything in my stomach so, after the water and a bit of bitterly sour bile, I fell into dry heaving. Still, self-disgust washed over me along with the shame of saying aloud what I'd always known about myself. Monster. I wanted to throw up more, get all the poison out of me. But it was useless. It had sunk too deep and now I was more poison than man. What kind of world would permit a creature like that to live?

Erwin paused for a moment before I felt him touch my chin to turn my face toward him. Without a change in his expression, he used a handkerchief to dab my mouth. He got up and left for a while. He came back with a towel and bucket of soapy water. After cleaning the small amount of vomit, he left again to throw out the dirty water and wash his hands. He returned and knelt nearby.

"What kind of monster?" came Erwin's soft voice.

Reluctantly, and with difficulty as I knelt there trembling on the floor, I looked up at him. I saw no disgust in his calculating blue eyes. No judgment or censure. In fact, I almost thought he looked at me with a true admiration like I'd never felt from anyone before, untarnished by fear or disgust. As if he didn't see a monster. Or perhaps he saw the beast in me as a fellow kind to the darkness inside him.

"I don't know," he admitted. "But whatever you are, Levi, I need you. I don't have any proof, but I'm sure I won't get far without you beside me. If your life has made you into a monster, then I'll gladly pray to whatever dark god of the Underground made you so."

A tiny burst of warmth like an opening flower bloomed in my chest. What was this feeling? A streak of warmth dripped down my cheek along with disbelief with what I was hearing. It almost sounded like it was all right for me to keep living in this world as I was, beastly and corrupted. I looked down at the floor as my vision blurred again and hot droplets fell over my hands. I sank down and, for the first time in my memory, uttered a sob. As soon as I had, more followed and I began to shake as tears and sobs poured out of me, quietly but so intensely that I felt my whole body burning, almost as if cleansing itself of poison.

As if he had been holding back, Erwin gathered me up in his arms and held me tight against his chest. Though I am ashamed to admit it, I clung to him. Really I had little choice. My body was still shaking so violently I was likely to do myself injury otherwise. I never have and never will open my heart to someone like I did then, not ever again. Only Erwin. I whimpered like a child in his arms.

It felt natural as Erwin reached up his large hand and gently stroked my hair. Letting out this weakness was addicting and I briefly feared I would break completely. The fear made me cling to him tighter and cry loudly. But as my struggling intensified, he clasped his hands around my face and pulled me up to his level. He kissed my forehead as if to soothe me, a kindness totally foreign to me. I whimpered and he pulled me close again, this time kissing my cheek. Amid this comforting it was quite natural as he kissed my lips, then drew my face close to his own, kissed my hair and nuzzled it as one beast would another. I felt my fingers tightening the coarse fabric of his uniform jacket.

After a warm moment like this, he stole a kiss from me again. I was a bit overwhelmed and honestly would have clung to any sort of comfort. The warmth of his lips was exactly what I needed.

At first, each brushing kiss was gentle. We were simple beasts licking each others' wounds. Once or twice, his cold blue eyes met mine searchingly. I realized he was hesitant to continue. Was he worried he'd hurt me? Or that I'd hurt him? Well a little hurt was nothing. Without it, life would be missing its most vibrant hues.

While not quite sure enough myself to take the initiative, I didn't fight as he tugged loose my cravat then slowly traced his fingers from the nape of my neck and down my collar bone to slip the deep green of the Wings of Freedom from my shoulders. He held my gaze for a moment as he gently pulled my cravat out and let it flutter to the ground between us.

If it had been any other time, I would have cut him up for that, sullying one of the few material possessions that I coveted. Instead, though still not sure of what I wanted enough to be able to ask for it, I instinctively tilted my head just a little, exposing my neck. I softly brushed my hair against his chest and closed my eyes, just sharing his heat. Something about this simple gesture lit a fire in him because moments later, he grasped my face in both hands and demanded a harsh kiss.

Heat rushed through my body, momentarily washing away all the pain. I gasped and clung tighter to it, parting my lips to let his tongue entwine with mine. Though I knew even as I succumbed to this heat and pleasure that it was only temporary, I couldn't stop. My cock ached for stimulation and I unconsciously brushed my hips against his stomach. His arms wrapped around me from behind, pulling me closer still.

Stop, I told myself. He admitted it himself. It's his fault they're dead. He let them die.

Erwin's hand plunged down and squeezed my ass. I gasped, shuddering at the sensations washing over me.

He's playing you. You know he's capable of that. He let two people die just to get you on his side. Don't give in.

Erwin roughly grasped my face, turning it away from him and sucked down on my neck, claiming me. I moaned out loud, digging my fingers into his jacket. He held me so tight it hurt, and I realized he could easily break me. I'd kill him first of course, but the feeling of being so overwhelmed by someone else's power was darkly exciting. He kissed a trail down my neck and started unbuttoning my shirt, at the same time unbuckling one of the many straps of my gear. His cold blue eyes met mine for an instant.

He'll destroy you.

Erwin's hands dove inside my shirt, caressing and easily wrapping around my chest and back. He lifted me slightly and sucked down hard on one of my nipples. I cried out, unconsciously scratching the back of his neck with my fingernails. Coherent thoughts flew away on the wind and my head was filled only with heat and desire. I don't remember my cock ever aching so badly before. I wanted to cum.

"Levi..." Erwin murmured my name against my chest.

I shivered, arching my back and biting the inside of my lip.

"This body that moves so effortlessly...more beautiful than anyone. I've wanted to touch it since I first saw you in the Underground."

I twitched and rested my head against his, nuzzling his blond hair and breathing his scent. His scent was half impeccable soap and half feral beast. I knew I shouldn't trust his words, the words of a wolf who would easily deceive and devour me, but I was lost to the feelings he gave me.

"Levi..." He kissed my chest. "Levi..." He grasped me around the waist, laying me back on the floor. He kissed further down my chest toward my stomach as he pushed me down.

"Nh..." I moaned, turning away as his hands slowly roamed up my legs.

Suddenly, a vivid picture of Isabella's face as she cried out for me, moments before that titan bit her head off, entered my mind. My eyes shot open.

Reflexively, I kicked Erwin in the stomach. He fell back and landed hard on the floor. He coughed, wincing in pain, but moments later looked up at me with confusion. As I looked at him lying there, in another part of my mind I was pulling Farran's lifeless torso out of the titan's gut. He'd looked so peaceful. It made me sick.

I was on my feet. I didn't remember getting up. Farran's chair was behind me, tipped over on the floor, the after echo of a loud noise hanging in the air. My breath was strained; I couldn't feel the air sinking into my chest, any more than I could feel the moisture on my lips or the darkness outside, because I wasn't fully there. I was looking down at Erwin, lying on the floor beneath me, as helpless as I had ever seen him. But I didn't really see him. I had my weight on one leg. The other was slowly rising, hovering and ready to kick again.

"Levi...?"

I'm sure he said my name more than once, but I didn't hear. I was still kneeling on that misty field, bathed in titan blood. I told myself I didn't miss them. What good would it do me to miss them? Erwin hadn't killed them. He wasn't even directly responsible for their deaths. That was Diet Member Loboff, that fat pig in the interior who hired us. He was the one I should be angry at. Then again...

Loboff wasn't the one who shoved my face in mud when we first met. He wasn't the one who toyed with people's lives, my friends' lives, like they were pieces on a game board. He wasn't the one who threatened my friends and forced me into this wretched line of work, much though it had now given me new purpose. But what was purpose? Life was about who you shared it with. Did I want to share whatever short time was left to me with this cold monster on the floor before me? A monster so like myself?

"Levi."

Erwin's voice was sharp that time. I blinked slowly. Gradually, time sank back into place and my thoughts returned to where I was. My foot was still raised, ready to kick Erwin's chest in, but I could sense it was pointless. Erwin's mask was utterly torn away. There was no mercy in those cold, blue eyes now. Only the monster inside looked back at me. If I was really contemplating what I think I was, then I had missed my chance. I lowered my leg to the floor.

"Take two steps back."

The hatred was still summering. I watched Erwin and thought about many ways of spilling his blood. "Is that an order?" I murmured.

"Yes."

I slowly lifted one foot, placed it on the ground behind me. I hesitated here, thinking of crushing Erwin's larynx and watching him choke. I lifted the other foot, placed it behind me. At length, I brought both feet together. That moment, I felt the tension start to ease from my body.

As soon as it did, I felt myself losing the strength to stand. I stumbled to the desk in the corner and leaned against it, shaking. My head was still falling back in place and I couldn't do any more than that for the moment.

Erwin got to his feet and brushed himself off. If we had been in the Underground, the proper response for a leader so disrespected would be for him to beat the shit out of me. Or take a finger, a tooth or an ear for his trouble. Or just kill me. It wasn't his style, but I wouldn't blame him, because that was the rule of dominance. Though still shaking and leaning against the desk, I straightened my back. With one hand I fixed my cravat, which had gone askew, wondering if I should remove it altogether. Unlike titan blood, human blood stains were a pain in the ass to get out.

Erwin took a step toward me. He raised a hand and I tightened my jaw in anticipation.

The back of Erwin's hand pressed lightly against my forehead. I frowned up at him, not sure what he was trying to do.

"You're very warm. I think you need some rest." He lowered his hand and much though he was looking right at me, I might as well have been facing a brick wall. There was nothing at all in his eyes. "We can't have you pushing yourself too hard," he said with surprising gentleness.

I stared at him. What was he thinking? I mean, what the hell was he thinking?! I hated the bastard Miké just as much - if not more - than Erwin, but I found myself wishing he'd been there. I needed a translator.

"What are you trying to do? Erwin," I growled.

His face still gave away nothing. He calmly straightened his bolo tie, which had become even more uneven after I kicked him.

"What I always do," he answered softly. "Protect the human race." His brows twitched together and I flinched, expecting the storm to finally arrive. But in the end, it was only a rumble. "Whatever happens, Levi, I won't let you go. Kick and bite as you will. If you ever think of leaving the Survey Corps, I'd sooner see you dead."

My heart fled up into my throat. I stared up at this blond giant in real fear, something that had become an almost foreign sensation to me. But my toughened heart that effortlessly braved titans quailed before the threat of Erwin Smith. I clenched my fists against the oak, a vain effort to stop them trembling.

Erwin's face softened and for an instant, only a split second, I saw softness and humanity flicker across his expression. "But please don't die on your own. I don't think I could bear that."

After a long, tense moment of watching each other, me with my own pulse still raging in my ears, he placed a hand on my shoulder. I flinched, but he paid no mind. He smiled a vacant smile to me just once before leaving.

"Goodnight, Levi. Try to get some rest, and I'll see you at the morning meeting tomorrow."

He closed the door. I stood there in total stillness as the fight or flight response gradually left me. Suddenly, I gasped for the lung-full of air I'd been unconsciously holding back from taking. I clapped a hand on a nearby pillar and tried to normalize my breathing, hoping not to wake any of the other Survey Corps grunts currently asleep in the bunks around me.

I stared into space, trying to sort out everything that had just happened. Eventually, as I finally took a calm, deep breath and looked out on the gathering dawn through the window, I realized two things. First, Erwin Smith was every bit the monster that I took him for, and if I underestimated him, I would die. Second, that I was a much weaker and more sentimental man than I thought. As much as I knew how pointless it was to regret, and prided myself on being someone who could move on from any loss, the fact was that my hatred of Erwin Smith ran deep. I became philosophical as I moved on shaking legs to sit down on my bunk. Funny, I thought, how hatred stirred so much excitement in me.

...

Erwin strode down the hall, returning to his own chamber. He should not have been surprised to see his faithful dog waiting for him outside his office. Miké sniffed as he arrived.

"Morning," he said anticlimactically.

"Good morning," Erwin replied.

Erwin entered his office and left the door for Miké to follow. The giant observed Erwin's manner before deciding to enter after him.

"Are you satisfied?" asked Miké, folding his arms and leaning on the door. "It's like I said, right? He's just a weapon. It's okay to use him as one."

Erwin smirked. "I think that's a tad harsh, Miké."

Miké frowned down at his friend. "You must know, Erwin. He'll only drag you down with him."

"Down? Interesting," Erwin muttered absently as he began to arrange papers on his desk for the next day. "Whenever I see him, I think we must all aspire to live as he does, resilient and unfettered. To me he seems on a much higher plane than most."

Miké's frown sharpened before he shook his head with a sigh. "I don't get it. You don't have whims. What's this really about? Why go so far for a nobody like that?"

"I'm not lying when I tell you I think he can save us, Miké. He's no magic bullet, but we still can't go without him." Miké opened his mouth to protest but at that moment Erwin continued, "But, at the same time...I suppose we all have things we'll do anything to protect. Honestly, I don't want to part with his presence here."

Erwin smiled up at Miké unreadably and continued quietly, "If that answer doesn't satisfy you, I don't know what to tell you Miké. But as always, I appreciate your concern."

Miké thought about how he could possibly convey the danger to his friend. In the end, though, he knew it would make no difference. Erwin had made up his mind. Levi, that murdering psychopath from the Underground, was going to be taking up space here a while longer.

Miké sighed. He turned and opened the door to leave. As he left he cast over his shoulder, "Don't come crying to me when that little runt murders you in your sleep."

"I'll do my best," Erwin replied.


	2. Erwin Smith's Leadership

Chapter Two

So Keith Shardis resigned. And without any fuss or bother, the next day Erwin was announced as his replacement. Nothing much changed at first, but gradually Erwin started making his mark by streamlining procedures, then introducing new techniques and strategies one by one. He soon promoted his friends, the Dog and the Science Freak. So then I had to kowtow to them too, apparently.

For the following few days, I decided that I would like to avoid being around Erwin. No special reason. I just wasn't fond of being reminded: there was someone in this world to whom I had shown the dirtiest part of me. Someone existed who held so many of my weaknesses in his hands. It made being around him like being in a room that was too hot or having to listen to idiots talk; just noticeably unpleasant. Then there was the big thing. I was quite aware of the fact that he could kill me in an instant. I hadn't felt that kind of precariousness since I was a child.

But as an unfortunate result of my instinctive avoidance of him, every time I DID run into him, I developed an unfortunate habit of tensing, a bit like a surprised squirrel. A subtle but nonetheless shameless maneuver of squaring my legs and recoiling slightly with eyes a little wider than normal. It wasn't a dignified look, it was just that my instincts told me a monster was coming and I'd better be ready. Erwin noticed. And to my eternal misfortune, he wasn't the only one.

On one such occasion, as we were passing in the halls of Survey Corps HQ, Erwin showed an instant of surprise when our eyes met and he saw my small mammal impression. Then he gave a barely audible sigh with a regretful smile. He nodded in greeting and simply walked past without comment. The model of restraint. His restraint of course made the whole incident even more humiliating and I swallowed the urge to kick something.

As my body relaxed and irritation at my own embarrassment settled in, the sniffer dog, who'd been walking behind Erwin, folded his arms and loomed over me. He glanced between me and the departing Erwin as if trying to make a point.

"What's wrong with you?" Mike demanded abruptly.

"I'm allergic to dogs," I said. I flicked my fingers toward him dismissively. "Shoo. Do you want me to break out in a rash?"

Mike made a dubious face. Then a smirk spread slowly over it. "You saw the beast Erwin's keeping, didn't you?"

"You know about that?"

"I'm one of the few people who does. There aren't many people Erwin trusts." His smile faded into a dark and threatening frown. "And even fewer who've betrayed that trust. And lived."

I nodded, ignoring his threat because Mike didn't even register in my mind as a danger compared to his owner. "Interesting. So there are some who have? I'd like to meet them. They obviously managed to outsmart Erwin and outlive your teeth, such as they are. That's worth an extra biscuit."

I started to step aside to pass him but Mike moved in my way and slammed his hand into the wall beside me. His lazy eyes glared darkly down at me, not needing any words to convey the repulsion he felt for me.

"Just because they've never been turned on you," he said at length, "don't assume my teeth are dull. Gutter rat," he informed me.

"Watch it," I muttered. "I'm sure I've got a rolled up newspaper somewhere. Just out of curiosity, have I done something else to set you off? Apart from the usual. I know it stings knowing there's someone better than you."

After the momentary flicker of rage between his brows that told me I was on target with that last bit, Mike growled softly, "Did you seduce him?"

I took a moment to absorb that. "Okay," I muttered, closing my eyes tiredly. "I don't know what you just said, but it sounded like some pretty messed up shit, so try again and use words I understand."

"You think you can exert some kind of influence over the most powerful mind inside these walls by waving you ass around?" Mike continued in a growling undertone. "Erwin's only interested in your skills. You've got nothing else to offer him, or this cause. You're bad-tempered. Violent. Insolent. And a small-time, petty gangster. The lowest of the low."

"That was mild."

"I'm not done. You're not even above average for brains, so you're not useful in planning. You don't follow orders and your personality is so bad, no one will follow yours. You get it? Compared to the rest of us, you are as close to useless as anyone can be. The moment your one skill stops being of use to Erwin, don't think he'll have the slightest qualms about throwing you headlong into a titan's mouth to save someone more valuable."

I was used to this kind of attitude toward people from the Underground, and even more used to territorial dick-swinging, which is what Mike was doing. There was no point in responding with emotion, that would only worsen the situation. I didn't want to admit that some of the things he said were things I had thought myself, more than once.

Without bothering to form a more biting reply, I simply said, "I'm a reformed criminal, to be exact." I shrugged. "Although some things you don't forget so quickly." I met his gaze with a dark and challenging one of my own. "If you're worried, you could sleep at the foot of Erwin's bed, like a good dog."

Mike couldn't hold back the expression of rage that passed over his face, and from looking at him I couldn't escape the image of a dog ready to bite off the hand of anyone who came near its food. Coming from someone normally so expressionless, it might have been a little intimidating. If not for the fact that it was so accurate it was a little amusing. I didn't need to be told that Mike was possessive of Erwin and saw me as a threat, more than just to his position as Erwin's second.

"I've said what I wanted to say," Mike said, menacing me once more before turning away.

"And I heard you," I drawled with a shrug. "Don't wave my ass around, right? That's some weird advice, but I got it."

"You forgot 'know your place', but I'm wasting my breath trying to make that sink in. Oh, by the way," Mike sneered, having started to follow Erwin but stopping to turn back and address me once again. "Just so you know, whatever he may let you think, you're never the one calling the shots where Erwin is concerned. And you're not the only one he works that way."

I glanced skyward, pretending to think, but I had no idea what he was implying. "Meaning what?"

Finally, the bloodhound gained back a superior smirk. "Ask the eligible ladies of the interior. Or their fathers. They're like you. They like to think they play with Erwin, or even control him. But that's impossible," he concluded, his smirk fading. "Until you grasp how far he is above you, you can't even imagine how much he looks down on you."

Mike at last turned and gave me some relief from his presence by going after Erwin. And secured his place in my hierarchy of people as a pain in the ass worth avoiding. At the time I didn't think much about what he'd implied, that Erwin might be sleeping his way into power in the interior, but it continued to gnaw at me long after until the rumor began to seem like fact.

I told myself I already knew what Erwin thought of me. I didn't need to pretend I didn't. I was "insubordinate". Hard to deal with, just because I disagreed with a system of leadership based on factors that seemed arbitrary to me. A question I'd tried to avoid up until now kept creeping up at the back of my mind. Why was he keeping me here? I didn't disagree with Mike's assessment. From what I could tell, my one asset was the ability to kill titans better than most. And I was starting to realize that among these people, that wasn't enough to be worthy.

I shouldn't be here.

I stopped walking. Immediately I scowled and shook my head. What nonsense. The others might think that about me. Even Erwin might, despite his desperation to keep me here. Whatever anyone else thought about me, it was none of my business. Why should I care? I had nowhere else to be. Here was as good as anywhere.

I hesitate to say I got used to the daily life in the Survey Corps, because no matter how familiar or comfortable it became, it was still empty. I still didn't feel I belonged here or that I was working toward any greater purpose. For now, I was alive. That was the best I could aim for.

Then came the first expedition with Erwin in command. He didn't waste time. After drilling the formation into our heads about eight thousand times, he told us the purpose of this mission was the same as any other: survey the farthest available area and report back. With one exception. As far as collateral damage permitted, we'd be advancing two full days. Right to the point of no return, where the amount of resources we could carry and still outrun titans would run out. That meant a total of three nights outside the walls, one of them in no-man's-land, without anything to fall back on if something went wrong. I hadn't been in the Survey Corps long enough to understand the full weight of that meaning.

Like the first mission with Erwin's flares, all went according to plan on the first day, although it wasn't without losses. A couple of guys got surprised by a titan that had been sleeping behind a house. One girl apparently missed the flare to change direction. We left her behind without noticing. A small team lead by Hange eventually went back to look for her, but they only found a horse with an empty saddle.

We reached an abandoned town after nightfall. Erwin selected an old town hall building to camp in, and we took up a rotating, two-hour watch. I wasn't assigned a watch but I found myself restless in the early morning hours. I rested against a window sill, looking out into the gathering light outside, thinking about sunrise in the cave Farran and Isabelle used to like.

I noticed a soldier looking through his pack for something but didn't think much of it. But gradually the rummaging sounds grew louder and the soldier started to be getting clearly upset about not finding whatever he was looking for. I glanced over. It was a newbie with a blond, gangster hairstyle. Gelgar, I thought his name was. He was biting his lip with a barely controlled look of rage. With little warning, he lashed out and kicked someone sleeping nearby.

The one he kicked, who turned out to be his superior, a guy with a short temper called Thomas, gasped and sat up. He took a moment to figure out what was happening, then grabbed Gelgar by his shirt and yanked him up to standing.

"What the fuck is your problem?"

"I had a flask in here, _sir_ ," Gelgar replied with a sneering scowl. "I shared some with you last night. You're the only one other than me who knew it was there. Now I can't find it."

"Meaning what, titan bait?" Thomas barked, shaking him. "Your memory that bad? You drank it all last night. What does it matter if you have the container?"

Gelgar grabbed his superior by both lapels and shook him once in return, so now both men were entangled and clearly about to start brawling. "All due respect, that's not really the point, _sir_!" he roared. A few soldiers were starting to stir. "Something of mine that was here isn't anymore. And only one person knew where it was. Anything to report, sir?!"

"Yeah. An insubordinate recruit in need of discipline," Thomas snarled, deceptively calm as he prepared to express his anger physically.

One of the larger lumps of sleeping soldiers shifted from his blankets and rose to standing. Slowly, he walked over to the tangled men. At first, he just towered over them, not saying a word, his blond hair flashing in the moonlight. Both men were still too angry to acknowledge him, but at least they weren't actually throwing punches. Of course, the only one that tall and blond was our new commander.

"Gelgar. This is insubordination. Step back," Erwin said softly.

But Gelgar had reached his limit. Instead of anger, he now looked about to cry. "Sir, he deserves it!" he cried with a broken voice.

Erwin watched the man without a change in his expression. After allowing a long enough pause for him to obey on his own, Erwin calmly repeated, "Step back."

Gelgar growled, lowering his head in anguish. After a moment, he and Thomas both shoved each other backward. Gelgar glared at Thomas, while the older officer raised an eyebrow down at him, ready to respond if he was planning on starting up again.

But presently, Gelgar pressed the heel of his hand into his forehead with a hissed breath of anguish. "I just…wanted to smell it…"

Erwin watched him for a moment. He turned to Thomas, who by now had looked away with folded arms. "Thomas."

I raised an eyebrow. I was sure that soldier's jaw muscle twitched as soon as Erwin's attention turned on him. Either he was even more pissed about the new commander than most, or he was hiding something. Or both.

"Yeah?" Thomas grunted, still not looking at Erwin.

Both.

"Did you take another soldier's personal effects?" Erwin asked.

Pause. "No, sir."

"And you don't know anything about where it might be?"

"…No, sir."

"Thomas."

The older soldier gritted his teeth openly this time.

"I won't tolerate actions that undermine the morale of my soldiers," Erwin went on, steadily. "I definitely won't tolerate perfidy." He took a meaningful pause, making sure Thomas felt the weight of his gaze. "I'll forget your previous statements if you are honest with me now."

Thomas clenched his fists, his jaw tightening. "Fine way to start a new command. Distrusting people."

"You will earn my trust, Thomas," Erwin replied calmly. "But not overnight. As I won't gain yours before I've earned it. Isn't that right?"

Thomas' head lowered and for a moment I thought he might punch Erwin. Slowly, he reached back into the tuck between his pants and shirt. He presented the flask to Erwin. But Erwin only glanced at it before shaking his head. He nodded toward Gelgar.

Thomas really seemed close to snapping, but obediently, he shifted his arm a few degrees so now it was aimed in the general direction of Gelgar, not Erwin. Gelgar accepted the flask, staring at it hard. He didn't even seem angry anymore, just relieved. I understood then he wasn't just an alky having DTs. And what Thomas had done, while it might have been forgivable inside the walls, out here, was much more than a minor theft.

"Thank you, Thomas. For your honesty, you have earned my respect," Erwin said with a soft smile. But it soon faded. "Normally, I discipline my officers strictly, regardless of the nature of the crime. In this situation that won't be possible. Will you submit to a less formal form of discipline in order to repent for your actions and return to normal duty?"

Thomas looked away, but like Gelgar, he seemed relieved by this conclusion. "…sir," he muttered, and I think there was probably a "yes" before it.

To my surprise, even across the room and in the dark, Erwin caught my eye. "Levi."

"Oh," I said, quite pleased to be selected. I jumped down from my perch and approached Thomas, cracking my knuckles.

"Do nothing to disable him," Erwin said.

"Uh-huh."

I bent down to prepare. In an instant, I snapped my leg up to kick Thomas in the solar plexus. All the air expelled from his lungs and his stomach in spasm, he coughed and doubled over, eyes wide and shaking.

"Take a deep breath. Are you all right, Thomas?" Erwin asked.

After a few moments coughing and getting his breath back, the soldier managed a nod.

"Sit down," I told him. "Tuck your legs up and relax your stomach. You'll breathe normally in a few minutes."

Erwin nodded and turned to the other soldier. "Are you satisfied, Gelgar?"

Gelgar didn't look at Erwin, still seeming relieved to have his item back. Eventually, he nodded meekly.

"Then the matter is closed. I expect you both to perform as the elites of the human race tomorrow. I'm relying heavily on both of you."

With that, Erwin turned and went back to his area of the ground to sleep. Gelgar, the others who had woken by the disturbance, and eventually Thomas, settled back down to sleep. Having a feeling, I followed Erwin. Without saying anything, I took a seat opposite him and leaned against the wall, watching. He opened his eyes as he noticed my presence.

"Something bothering you, Levi?" he asked me.

I chewed on the inside of my lip as I thought about what I wanted to know. "Is that your leadership?" I asked in return.

He smirked, propping himself up on his elbow. "What do you think?"

I raised an eyebrow, wondering what he would get out of the opinion of someone like me. I shrugged. "You forgave him quickly."

"What would you have done differently?"

I frowned over at him. "Firstly, I wouldn't let my subordinates go around with so little faith in me and my mission." A smile began to spread across Erwin's face. I couldn't tell what it meant. "Second, if they were that pent up, I'd let them fight it out."

"I see," Erwin murmured. "And what would be the result?"

"Result?" I asked, incredulously. "They'd get it out of their systems. Or more likely I'd tell the one that did wrong to get out. My gangs knew they could never pull shit like that without consequences."

"Mm. Very interesting."

"What's interesting, asshole?" I muttered, getting annoyed with feeling Erwin looking down on me even though my eye line was currently higher.

Erwin nodded softly to himself. "I thought so before, but the way you ran your operations in the underground…it wasn't like other gangs. Certainly not the military, but that hardly needs reiterating."

I looked away. I'd had enough of being told I wasn't fit for the military. I knew that better than anyone, and I maintained within my own head that I wasn't here by choice.

"The more I hear, the more I think it was closer to a family."

His words didn't sink in for a moment. That word meant many things to me, but none of them were the same as what he was trying to say. I had a mother who died and left me to starve when I was too small to care for myself. An uncle who taught me to struggle and fight and then abandoned me without warning or explanation. The only real thing that word meant to me was emptiness. Abandonment, and a faint knowledge of what others had that I did not.

But as Erwin's soft voice and the meaning behind his words sank in, my brain made the connection for the first time between that word and what Farran and Isabelle had been to me. For not the first time since I'd met Erwin, I felt all the strength drain from my body in a mix of regret, loss, and a strange almost sense of joy, which later I realized was the after impression of love. I had loved them. Was it really that strange to use that word about people I loved and cared for, wanted to spend my life with?

"I'm glad there's more than one style of leadership," Erwin went on, bright blue eyes searching mine. "I have ideas, and usually they work for me, but I don't have all the answers and some still don't believe in me, no matter how good the idea may be. I have a hope that that will change with time. But I think that many people in the Survey Corps, you included, Levi, have much more to offer than they realize."

I didn't respond. Yet again, Erwin had touched on a sore spot that I didn't want anyone to know about. Without a word, I got up and walked back over to where I'd been, this time curling up in the window frame to sleep. I didn't want to think too deeply about his implication. Somehow I felt that it would mean losing Farran and Isabelle all over again. And many times over. I fell asleep to a strange, lonely image of the Wings of Freedom flying on someone's cloak before me.


	3. A Kiss in the Mill

Chapter Three

When dawn was just about to break, the last watch woke everybody up. We took our time getting ready, since it seemed there was no titan activity in the area. Soldiers fixed up their gear and set their tack, everyone still a little dopey with inadequate sleep. And then…the aberrant.

It was a skinny, snake-like titan whose movements were fast and erratic. It got two soldiers before they could scream. Then a couple of its friends showed up, relatively normal speed but both easily 8-meter-class. So now we had three titans, and practically no one ready to move.

"Mike! Hange!" I heard Erwin's voice at the other end of the unit. "Slow them down!"

My eyebrow twitched. Clearly Erwin just wanted to buy time to get everyone on horseback. Most likely he was just talking to people he could see. He had no idea where I was, or if I was in a state to fight. Despite understanding all of this, what I heard was that I still wasn't trusted, still not relied upon in spite of all his fine words. I straightened my cravat with a deep scowl, briefly considering letting them all twist out of spite. But they were pretty pitiful.

Mike and Hange were directing subordinates while the two of them handled the aberrant. It must have been a bit distracting, because Mike nearly got his head swiped off by an errant titan fist while giving an order. Yet another disadvantage to being tall. I headed over to see where I might be of use, and immediately noticed that one of the other titans was running toward a group of soldiers trying to mount up.

Two of the horses bolted as the titan reached into the group and grabbed a soldier, bringing him screaming into the air. Damn. It was Thomas.

I pulled out my hand triggers and used a couple of chimneys to catapult myself into the air. I flew in close and quickly cut the ligaments in the hand holding Thomas. He cried out as he tumbled to the ground, landed hard, but quickly got his feet under him and hobbled away toward a spare horse.

The titan's eyes followed me so I kept its attention while a squad lined up behind it. I sank my anchor into its arm, started a spin and sliced it clean through at the forearm. The severed limb fell to the ground and began to steam. A meaningless injury but killed enough time for two soldiers on foot to slice its Achilles tendons. The titan made a noise and started to fall. Unfortunately, it was falling backward. If it did that, it could recover without leaving an opening to kill it.

Though not certain I could make it with the timing and from my current angle, I laid another anchor in the creature's hip and swung back down right past its eyeline. I cut deeply into its stomach as it growled and tried to swat at me. I felt the breeze from its hand as I flew toward the ground. That was close. Fortunately, the force of twisting its body to try to reach me caused it to land on its side. Another member of Hange's squad flew in and sliced the nape. I cushioned my fall with a brief burst of gas and alighted on the ground as the creature fell.

"Levi…" I heard a soft voice saying my name. I think it was Thomas. But I was busy.

I glanced over at the other titan. Mike's squad was pinning it down with more or less success, so I glanced back toward the aberrant. As I did, the town hall exploded in a shower of wood splinters as the titan crashed through it, chasing a grinning Hange.

Hange was getting a bit too excited and was letting its hands almost reach them as they changed direction mercurially like a mad swallow, definitely giving more an impression of playing than fighting. Mike and a few other elites were following and seemed to be waiting for an opening, but the creature was moving too fast.

"You beauty!" Hange cried. "You're completely mad, the way you move! I'd love to get a good look at your shoulder joints! Come catch me!"

Inadvertently, as Hange was laughing hysterically, the titan brushed their line. It was only the slightest pressure and not intentional, but when the force reached Hange it snapped them sharply in a new direction. They showed a brief expression of regret, then crashed into a small house. They didn't get up.

"Hange!" "Squad leader!" cried a few soldiers.

One of them flew in to check on Hange. The titan whirled around and bit him in half. It crunched a bit and then grinned as it snaked back toward the larger force, who were still mounting and trying to follow Erwin's orders to run. But the wagons couldn't get underway without an escort. If we lost those, we'd be without resupply equipment or food for the next two days. I was starting to see the point of leeway.

I grabbed a riderless horse, swung up and kicked its flanks to follow the titan. I could now see it was heading straight for a tall, blond figure, who was standing out in the open and drawing attention to himself by shouting. A rush of fear thrummed blood up into my ears. What a fucking stupid, arrogant dick. Erwin would not have a very long tenure as Commander if he kept up this kind of behavior. I kicked the horse's flanks again to draw more speed out of it.

Mike and two others flew past me in a coordinated movement designed to strike the titan's ankle, lower back and nape. In a single snaking movement, it shook them all off and threw one hard into the ground with a horrific crunch. Mike tried to draw back to regroup, when the titan's leg brushed him, making him lose balance. He managed to land without major injury, but had no time to slow down. When he tumbled onto his back, I heard the air knocked out of his lungs. He gasped and then winced in pain, momentarily unable to move.

I saw the titan was ready to reach out for Erwin. I wouldn't get another chance. Neither would Erwin. I stood up in the saddle, fired my lines into the titan's shoulder and flew for it at top speed. I streamlined my body to cut through the air with little resistance. The creature stopped, reaching out for Erwin. In that moment of an opening that it gave, I flew inside its guard and sliced its neck so deeply its head flopped down to its chest, held by a little flap of skin. The creature remained motionless for an instant, still reaching for Erwin, then collapsed in a cloud of dust.

From the reckless angle I had used to get in so close so fast, I had no choice but to tuck and roll to hit the ground. Every inch of me got pounded in the landing. I was lucky both blades broke with the first impact. I groaned irritably as I finally came to a stop. After making sure nothing was broken or sliced off, I slowly got to my feet, shaking with disgust as I realized my hands up to the elbow were covered in steaming, titan blood. Worse, there were scrapings of dirt all over my knees and elbows. Disgusting.

Erwin, having not even considered running (to judge from the way he was standing there like a damn tree) caught my gaze. He merely nodded, as if he'd been expecting this outcome from the start, then turned back to giving orders. I scowled and hobbled over to find my own horse. Less than half a minute later, and just in time as two more titans came into view on the horizon, alerted by the sound and blood, we were all mounted up and in formation.

"Nanaba," Erwin asked of a subordinate, over his shoulder. "Have you finished the head count?"

The subordinate rode up closer to him, a rather lightly framed blond soldier with an expressionless face. "Yes, sir."

"How many did we lose?"

"As far as we know, twenty-three confirmed dead," said Nanaba, her expression still unchanging. "Roughly ten are seriously injured and three rendered unfit for combat. And four unaccounted for."

"Total casualties since leaving Wall Rose?"

"Forty-one."

Erwin's expression grew blank, and I think few others knew what was going on inside his head at that moment. But I knew by now. He wasn't mourning the dead. He wasn't even planning what to do next, not actively. The main thing going through his head was mild annoyance that we were approaching the point of no return, and it looked as if we might not achieve our goal. Everyone knew the number. His leger of acceptable casualties was twenty percent. Twenty percent of our original number would be forty-seven. Forty-seven dead before he would issue an early retreat order. Even with the best of luck, making it any further while losing less than six seemed unlikely. So. Would he cut his losses, learn what he could from this experience and try to improve the next time? I held back the urge to noticeably roll my eyes.

"Well then," Erwin said. "We can continue." The commander straightened his back and turned in his mount. "Tighten up the formation as we cross this valley!"

As the formation entered the valley between two soft hills, we were riding as we had done when leaving Wall Rose, just a few meters separating each rider, eyes on the tall figure riding before us, guiding us. He loaded a blade to one hand trigger, raised it high above his head.

"Another aberrant has fallen," Erwin cried, without turning back. He knew with his bellowing voice, we could all hear him. No one was looking away. "Each titan we kill is a victory for the human race. Each is one less to threaten our homes and loved ones. And now, each gallop of our horses' hooves takes us farther than we have gone before. More of us are here than have ever reached this point alive before. But it is still early to celebrate this victory! We will celebrate when we return, all of us, to Wall Rose! Let the titans hear the roar of humanity, triumphant within their territory! Raise your voices! Ride on! Ride on!"

After an instant of taking in his words, inexplicably, the voices of the Survey Corps began to rise. In moments, the pounding of our horses' hooves was overwhelmed by the voices, echoing through the valley as we rode, leaving those two chasing us far behind in our wake as our horses responded to our excitement, driving harder and harder on. I let the vibrations sweep through me, and for a moment, was almost tempted to join them.

I looked ahead toward Erwin. He wasn't the type to ever once turn back once he had started. He didn't doubt a single decision he made, I realized. Not out of arrogance, but from knowing he must never show uncertainty. The thing that these people needed most was his leadership, and he knew that. In addition, his determination was monstrous, and sure to win him a lot of loyalty. I was trying hard to make that not mean anything to me. I think my lip may have twitched upward, but later pretended that it hadn't.

Beyond anyone's expectations, we made it to the next camp site without a single additional casualty. Our destination was a formerly large farm industry town called Wetzlar. Better yet, it was on a river. If need be, we could use it to return to the wall, although it would mean abandoning about half the horses because of limited space on the barges. That night, the men were walking around the mill and granary we found to sleep in, two high stone buildings that were connected and easily defensible. Some of them told nostalgic stories about having visited this part of Wall Maria before the fall. A group of them, headed by Thomas and Gelgar (who were now apparently the best of friends) surrounded me and engaged in highly unpleasant expressions of physical affection. Hugging. Clapping on the back. One, whom I later vowed to punish, ruffled my hair. They invited me to eat dinner with them. Not sure like they really understood what they were getting themselves into, asking to be around me for an extended period, I said I'd eat later.

Feeling restless, and needing some time to shake off the feeling of other human's hands on me, I took a walk around some of the old mill. I climbed up to the upper floors and walked around some dusty equipment. Everything was left as it had been when the wall fell, nearly four years ago. Somehow it made me wonder what the underground was like since I had left. Not so much whether any of the living conditions had improved or whether the gangs and corrupt merchants still vied for control, but whether anyone I had known was still alive. What they were doing each day. Still living as I had done, not so long ago. What had changed?

I realized after a moment that I was not alone. I wasn't surprise when I turned to see who it was, standing in the stairway that I had used to come up here. But he wasn't looking at me. Erwin was standing with his arms folded, leaning on the door frame, watching his soldiers enjoy this moment he had brought them, talking and laughing on the factory floor below.

I sighed, realizing I had few options: I would have to start the conversation, or else stand here in awkwardness, or just leave. I walked over to stand beside him and follow his gaze. "You must be pleased," I commented, watching the soldiers below.

He glanced at me. "Oh? Because we achieved the mission goal, you mean."

"Yeah…what else would I be talking about?"

He nodded. "I am pleased." After a moment, he shook his head. "But not because of that." He turned his gaze down to me and watched me with a strange emotion, soft and seeming out of character for him. "Levi," he said softly. "Thank you."

The hand that I had rested on the rail before us tightened. He couldn't be serious. Had he forgotten? Forty-one people had just died. I had killed four titans, but not in time to stop them from killing others. Hange and Mike had each felled three themselves, so it wasn't like my kill count was any great achievement. I hadn't encouraged anyone, nor had I strategized to solve problems or prevent more loss. The ones who'd done those great things had been Erwin and his officers. Once again, I found myself agreeing with what that bloodhound has said about me. Compared to them, I was nothing special.

"I didn't do anything," I muttered.

"You saved my life."

I glanced skyward in thought. "Oh right. Because I was late." I sighed. "If you'd called me first, and I'd been attacking with the others, I would have been knocked out in the first round like the dog or the freak."

He frowned down at me, seeming genuinely concerned. "Do you really not see? The difference between this mission and the last one. It's not my planning. It's not Hange's weapons or Mike's skills or tactics." He smiled. "Look at them. More of them are alive now because you were here. They're happy you're with us."

Before I could deflect that statement, Erwin drew closer, tracing his fingers through my hair to caress the back of my neck. I shivered as a warm feeling ran down my spine.

Drawing his face close to mine, he murmured, "Seeing you so strong. So unafraid. You inspire them in a way I never could." His lips brushed my forehead. My lips parted as I took a quick breath in. "Thank you, Levi."

His hands cupped my face, drawing me up toward him. I halfheartedly murmured, "I didn't…do anything for…you-"

At that point he stopped my mouth with his. His large hands caressed almost every part of my head, finding erogenous zones I hadn't known about myself. The tip of his ring finger ran lightly from the back of my ear tracing a line down my neck toward my collar bone. I gasped, at which point his tongue slipped inside my mouth and began to entwine with mine. I wanted to resist but the adrenaline of the day and relief of arriving here were filling my brain with pleasant feelings as his hands continued to explore my body.

Erwin hooked one finger in my cravat and stopped. "Can I take off your clothes?" he murmured.

I shuddered, feeling a brief desire to let him do just that. But I'd had enough of him running the show for a while. Instead, I grasped his hand. "You've seen plenty of me. Don't you think turnabout is fair play?"

"Oh," Erwin murmured. He smiled lightly. "I'll try not to take that personally. But I thought I'd shown you more of myself than I show almost anyone."

My lips parted as I recalled the feeling of Erwin kneeling over me, inches from killing me. I pursed my lips in a frown. "That was fucked up," I told him, which caused him to cover his mouth to stop from laughing. "And also not the same thing."

"You want to see me vulnerable?"

I nodded.

Erwin smiled. "All right." This time, he hooked his middle finger in his bolo tie while looking at me very closely. "Would you like to do it yourself? Or watch?"

I scowled, not liking to be so easily pushed around by base desires. Or him. Nevertheless, after not very much soul searching, I found myself muttering, "I'll do it."

Obediently, Erwin lowered his hands and allowed me access. I took his invitation, pulling his tie loose and setting it aside. I was about to continue when I gritted my teeth in frustration. He searched my expression, wondering what was wrong. I pointed to a nearby crate. He glanced at it, back to me, and then turned away and covered his mouth. I realized that was about as much as he ever laughed. He caught the drift and took a seat so I could reach his shoulders.

One shoulder at a time, I ran my hands over his body to slip the Wings of Freedom off his back. I removed each sleeve by caressing all the muscles in his arms. I was surprised how much I enjoyed that. I hung the jacket on a nearby piece of equipment. I returned my gaze to his body and began to unbuckle his supports. That done, I started to unbutton his shirt. Little by little I caught glimpses of the smooth, hard skin of his chest. Like mine and everyone else's who used 3D mobility gear, it was scarred in the patterns of our supports. Each time he moved, I caught a masculine scent from him. He was sweaty and dirty, as we all were, from traveling all day. I should be disgusted. Why wasn't I?

On a sudden urge, I drew in close and sniffed his skin, feeling his warmth and heartbeat close to my face.

Erwin breathed in sharply. "Levi…that's very…"

"Before you make any comments, remember, I don't have any qualms about cutting you."

He nodded, holding up his hands in surrender.

I removed the rest of his shirt, hanging it over his jacket. Feeling my own heartbeat and body temperature start to rise, I perused the clear lines of his abdominals, the wideness of his shoulders, the narrowness of his hips, the curve of his bicep. After getting my fill, I reached down to unbutton his pants. I nodded for him to stand up, and as he did I slipped both hands inside his pants, resting over his hips.

I slowly ran my hands down his legs, slipping off his trousers. I'd never undressed, or even touched another man this intimately before, so I was amazed at how large and hard the muscles of his legs were. My legs were all muscle of course, but with my smaller body weight I didn't need large ones to get the job done. Erwin must have weighed nearly twice as much as me, and his thighs showed it. They were perfectly sculpted, taught, and large for holding up his heavier body, and for a time I was lost admiring them.

"Are you stopping there?" Erwin asked with a smirk.

I couldn't help flicking a glance toward the bulge in Erwin's underwear, but then glanced toward the doorway. "Aren't you worried someone's going to come up here?"

Erwin's smirk widened a little. He ran a hand through my bangs affectionately. "You don't want others to see me?"

I barked out a scoff. "I was more worried about them finding out we're fags. Your bloodhound is going to pop a vein."

Erwin leaned in and brushed a kiss against my forehead. "Actually I left Mike at the bottom of the stairs. He's keeping guard for us. No need to worry."

"Wow. That's…noble of him."

"Isn't it?" he agreed, kissing my temple. "He's a good man if you give him a chance, Levi."

I glared up at him. "He's literally the last thing I want to talk about." I muttered, and this time slipped a hand inside his underwear.

Erwin closed his eyes and breathed in, his face still near mine. I caressed his buttocks, at first just with one hand and then two. He rested one hand on my shoulder and the other alternately caressed my face or hair. His ass was taught and sculpted, just like his legs. I felt heat rising in my body as I noticed the front of his underwear twitch.

"Someone's excited early," I commented.

"I didn't expect you'd be so willing to touch me," Erwin said softly, watching me with what almost looked like awe. "Levi. Don't stop."

I swallowed heavily. I started to obey, inching his underwear down as I continued to relish the sensation of touching his ass. Then Erwin whispered something in my ear.

"You can do anything you want to me. I'm yours."

My hands froze where they were. The heat that I had felt suddenly turned to cold in my stomach, and I heard Mike's voice in my head. _Until you grasp how far he is above you, you can't even imagine how much he looks down on you._

I pushed Erwin back.

He frowned down with concern, looking genuinely shocked. "Levi? What's wrong?"

I almost didn't answer. I realized I was biting the inside of my lip as incredulous anger began to boil up inside me, echoing beside my own voice that agreed with all others that I wasn't good enough. That I didn't belong here. A lifetime of living in darkness, in the low, had convinced me never to hope, and now it seemed I had no reason to. Erwin's soft words from earlier, praising me, thanking me, only drove the knife deeper as I realized I was no different from any other tool of Erwin Smith.

"Let me ask you something," I muttered. "You care a lot about defeating the titans."

Erwin's surprise faded into stoic acceptance. Slowly, he shook his head. "Not a lot. It's everything to me."

I nodded. "You'd give your life for that cause without hesitation."

"Yes."

"And there's nothing you wouldn't do."

Erwin only thought for a moment before nodding, sinking the knife deeper in my chest. "There's nothing I can think of."

I cast my gaze down, unable to look at him anymore in a volatile mix of humiliation, anger and deeply cutting pain. It flared up even stronger as I realized I'd been batted around like a toy in a cat's paws, not by just anyone, but by the person who took my family from me. If there was anyone worth suffering this humiliation for, it wasn't this monster. There was only one thing he deserved from me and that was hatred.

Yet I couldn't stop myself from confirming what I felt I already knew. "So tell me," I murmured. "If you found someone you could use to advance your cause, and you felt they wanted something from you in return, how much would you give?"

Erwin didn't even pause. "Anything that I could spare."

I scoffed. "Kisses are free, aren't they?" I muttered. "You don't lose anything for them."

Erwin's eyes widened. "Levi…that's-"

I brushed off his arm as he reached out to touch me, instead heading down for the door. Nothing he could say would make any difference anymore. Now I finally sensed the wisdom in Mike's warning. Now I knew how far he was above me. The lengths he had gone to fool me so completely. To wear down the guard of someone who rightfully hated him. I had betrayed everyone, including myself, in kowtowing to that monster.

I went down the stairs, not quite sure what I wanted anymore. Sure enough, Mike was there just as Erwin had said, leaning back on the stairs and waiting like a good dog. He sniffed as if he smelled me before he heard me, and glanced up. He gauged my expression for a moment before smirking.

"I like your face like that, Levi. Like a wet cat."

As I passed, I slammed a foot down in between his legs on the stairs. I leaned in close to his face to say what I didn't want to say.

"You were right," I muttered. "Once. Don't get a big head about it."

On a whim, and a desire to get back at Mike a little for being so goddamned right, I grabbed his chin in one hand and yanked it up, planting a brutal kiss on his lips. His body tensed as if he'd been dunked in water but he seemed too shocked to do anything.

I broke off first but immediately he made a noise and covered his mouth. "What's wrong with you?!"

"Probably diarrhea," I suggested, turning and seeking out a quiet place to eat dinner.


	4. Red Flower on the Wing

Chapter Four

The ride back, most of which was along the river and the remainder along the Wall Rose, was tense, and not without more casualties, but ultimately proved to be a great success for Erwin as a commander. We lost forty-three all together, four less than Erwin's threshold. It was the best live return ratio in the history of the Survey Corps. And for me, in many ways an annoying turning point in my relationship with other soldiers.

One evening a few days after the mission, I was heading back to my room after training and really didn't want to speak to anyone. At least not until I'd bathed. And then I caught sight of a group of my superiors, though it was starting to seem like the other way around these days.

"Hey, here comes mankind's greatest warrior!" cried Thomas. A girl called Petra and that easily frustrated guy, Auruo, were close behind him, seeming to want to talk to me.

I gave them my best irritable scowl in an attempt to rid myself of them, simply turning away.

"Wait, Levi, I want to ask you something!"

"Could you tell us how you change direction so quickly?"

"What's that weird…er…interesting grip you have?"

"Give us some tips!"

I barely answered them and tried my best to be inhospitable about it so they'd leave me alone. In the end, they continued to tag along as I walked until I eventually had to shake them off at the door to my room.

One girl who I hadn't noticed before, with long brown hair pulled back in a no-nonsense bun, was the last to leave. I wasn't even sure she'd been together with the rest of that group. And when they left, she hung back for a moment and met my gaze. I didn't see admiration there, as with the others, but I wasn't sure what was actually there. Regardless, after only a slightly awkward moment, she followed the others.

I realized through overheard conversations over the next couple of days that she was a new recruit called Elise Kohler. A former resident of Wall Sina, if you can believe that. And also one of the few to openly support Erwin's tactics before anyone else had. The way she seemed to pay unusual attention to me without deep emotion stuck in my mind a little, possibly because it activated some of my old instincts. People who hated you were usually open about it. But people who were actively planning to kill you could hide it quite well. Still, she made no attempt to even speak to me, so I had no reason to think very deeply about it. And then something…rather surprising happened.

I quickly got into the habit of entering Erwin's office without knocking. He'd never objected to it. But on this day, this habit got me a look at something I definitely wasn't supposed to see. As I opened the door, still perusing a mission statement that had a stupidly confusing diagram on it, the room's two occupants didn't even notice me at first. As soon as I looked up and realized what was happening, I stopped. And I stayed where I was, struck frozen where I stood.

Elise Kohler was standing over Erwin as he sat at his desk. The recruit's left hand cupped Erwin's chin gently, her lips parted, and I realized her knee was resting between Erwin's legs on his chair. His eyes were level with hers and he seemed deeply engaged watching her. Before they noticed me, their faces drew just minimally closer than they already were. A few seconds later, they both looked up at me.

And then we all looked at each other for a while.

I raised an incredulous brow. "Bad time?" I queried eventually.

Erwin stood, forcing Elise to take a few steps back. "Levi. Would you step outside? I just need a moment with Private Kohler."

I felt my jaw tighten. I glanced at Kohler, who as always, stared back at me with no expression. That was a good face for a killer, I thought. But eventually, I shrugged. I turned away and walked outside to lean outside the door.

From inside Erwin's voice came, "Close the door, please."

My eyebrow twitched. I hooked my foot under the door and jerked it closed, then folded my arms and waited. I frowned darkly up at the ceiling, effectively distracting myself for a moment with the unacceptable amount of cobwebs up there. I tried to deny it briefly, but the longer I waited, the more I felt a surge of hot anger when I thought about seeing her leg between his. I wasn't even sure who I was angry at, just anger. But then when their faces drew closer together, a cold, empty feeling ran through my stomach and made me want to run away. I knew why, deep down. It pissed me the hell off.

After a couple of minutes, Kohler emerged alone. She didn't look at me, but stood for a moment as if acknowledging that I had seen what I wasn't supposed to, and telling me she didn't care.

But eventually, she muttered, "Hello. Levi."

Still without looking at me, she walked away. I watched her until she was out of sight. Once she was gone, I politely kicked the door open again.

Erwin glanced with mild disapproval at the door lip and then at me. He rested both hands on his desk as he organized his thoughts. We both stood for a moment in the heavy silence left by Private Kohler's absence. Erwin eventually closed his eyes and lowered his head. Clearly, he was making an effort with this one.

"Levi…about what you just saw…"

"I don't give a shit." I walked forward to the desk and slapped the diagram onto it. "Whoever drew this for you is two-dimensionally challenged. I talked to a few grunts in my unit, nobody knows what this weird snake biting a sandwich is supposed to mean."

Erwin's lips parted as he frowned at me, almost in shock. After a moment, he closed his eyes again. "Levi…I want to talk to you. Can't we-"

"No," I said.

His eyes widened at me. I looked away, unable to face what looked to me to be genuine emotion. But of course, that was precisely the problem.

"I figured it out. I can't talk to you," I said, with what for me was a gentle tone. I might have every reason to hate this man, but I knew by now my true feelings were far from what they should be. And the only thing I could think to do was distance myself from the cause. "I trust my instincts," I continued, "but they don't work on you. I can't tell the truth from the bullshit. So talking isn't really a fair way for us to communicate."

I expected Erwin to agree with that statement, with his usual self-assured charm. I expected him to be flattered that he was so skilled at his strong suit, which of course was deceiving people and hiding his emotion. But he didn't respond at all. When I eventually glanced up at him, he was staring at the diagram on his desk with a blank, empty expression. I'd never seen him make that face before. To my disbelief, for almost a minute, he didn't move at all. The tension continued to rise and I started to get chills up the back of my spine, imagining him bursting into violence at any moment.

Eventually, though still looking blank and moving very slowly, he glanced away and straightened his back. "Yes…" he said at length. "It's not fair."

I frowned; this wasn't the usual Erwin. Something in what I'd just said had upset him or caught him by surprise. I couldn't tell which because he wasn't even trying to fake emotion right now. There was nothing in him at all. Was this part of his beast? Did it have different functions, killing and cold nothingness? Mike might know, I thought, but damned if I was ever going to willingly ask him for help.

"Diagram?" I persisted.

Erwin blinked, focusing his vision down at it. He revolved the page a little so it was facing him. "A snake with a sandwich…I see," he murmured, his voice still softer and a little slower than usual. "It's an arrow, Levi. It's the predicted path an attacking titan will take if the tactic succeeds. It continues in the next figure. Here."

He showed me the next page and what he said made sense. I nodded.

"Is that clear?"

I took the papers back from his desk. "More or less."

"Good," Erwin said, straightening again, still without looking at me.

I turned to leave. I jerked back when I realized my wrist was caught. I rolled a glare up at Erwin, whose bear-sized hand was enveloping half my forearm with clearly no intention of letting go.

"What the fuck?" I asked him, feeling dread sinking into my stomach but keeping it from my face.

It was a tense few moments before Erwin even took a breath to reply. His eyes were still emotionless, staring a hole straight through my chest. "If it's not talking, then you don't mind communicating with me?"

My eyebrows snapped together in annoyance. "Speak words other people can understand," I barked back.

At that moment, his eyes met mine and I realized it had never been nothingness in them. It was pure, impenetrable, unforgiving ice. It was a cold so deep it burned. The blue of his eyes at that moment held an intensity that made me unable to look away in spite of my fear.

"You said you wanted something from me before. It's something I can give you any time," he said with soft danger in his voice. I shivered. "Come to my room later. I'll wait for you."

I managed to recover my senses a couple of seconds later, at least enough to say, "Fuck you," softly. I yanked my wrist from his grasp and walked out.

With my face feeling oddly hot, I stalked out of his office toward anywhere else. This was the whole problem, I kept telling myself. Erwin's greatest gift was his ability to strategize, to read people. Even that display just now, strange as it was, may all have been designed and carefully planned to get my attention, make me doubt my assessment of him. I couldn't trust myself around him. And the empty feeling that came when I thought I'd never be important to him and never would be, I pushed aside. It wouldn't help.

Besides, it was starting to feel like I didn't need Erwin's approval anymore. Little by little, as word of the last mission's success spread and training started back up, people stopped being afraid of me, no matter how much I wished they would be. Some came and sat with me during meals, others continually asked me for help with training, some even followed me around asking if I needed anything. That stupid nickname, "Mankind's Greatest Warrior" became a regular thing. Mike never let me forget it.

Strangely, I got a notification that I was to accompany Erwin and a couple of other privates on a trip to the Interior. It didn't say why. When I met the others to board the carriage on a crisp, fall morning, Erwin was there but barely looked at me. He greeted me normally and gestured inside the carriage. Me and the two other privates boarded the carriage, Erwin got in last. He folded one leg over the other, propped his chin on his hand and looked out the window without a word.

It was actually hard to concentrate on what Erwin was planning because the other two privates were beaming distractingly. Like they'd both just taken a huge dump and were over the moon about it. They kept grinning at me as if expecting me to join in their enthusiasm which of course had the exact opposite effect they wanted it to.

"Are you excited?" one of them asked me.

I gave my best impression of a potted plant.

With the awkward silence that followed, the other two eventually concluded I wasn't up for whatever they were so excited about. After a couple of minutes, they resumed beaming, fidgeting and looking out the windows now and then. We slowed down to pass through Wall Sina's exterior gate, entering the city of Stohess. As soon as we had, the cobbled road became smooth as silk and we hardly bounced. Pigs here must have delicate asses, I thought. After another ten minutes, the carriage eventually slowed to a stop. I glanced out the window, during a gap when the privates were beaming at each other instead of trying to get a look outside. I realized this was a place I'd been before. It was the headquarters of the Military Police.

As we exited the carriage, suddenly in the bright light and open space of the interior of Wall Sina, and started walking over the smooth stones among sneering MPs, I had a sudden sinking feeling. Was that why these privates were so excited? Was that why Erwin wouldn't look at me? Were we being transferred to the MPs?

We entered the building, all the while earning condescending stares, even from the lowest-ranking MPs. A couple of them approached Erwin and saluted, but still didn't manage to look pleased about our presence. Erwin nodded in return and they wordlessly led us deeper into the building. Eventually we were led to a room with four pigs in noble's outfits sitting at a table, along with Nile Dawk and a few other high-ranking officers.

Nile let out an irritable sigh. "All right, Erwin. Let's get this over with," he said, slapping open a file that had been set on the table. He perused it as Erwin saluted and addressed the room.

Erwin began in a firm, loud voice, "Respected Council Members, Officers of the Interior Military. I, Commander Erwin Smith of the Survey Corps, hereby present my recommendations for immediate promotion. Dita Ness," Ness saluted, "Darius Baer-Varbrun," Darius saluted, "and Levi Ackerman."

I glanced at Erwin in disbelief. He was looking straight ahead, obviously aware that I wasn't saluting and that everyone else in the room was currently staring at me, waiting for me to do so. I locked eyes with Nile Dawk, whose expression slowly clouded over with anger and incredulity at my inaction. When I still failed to make a move, he picked up a pen, and with gusto, made a note on an official-looking form. Finished, he set down his pen, folded his hands and glared back up at me.

"Private Ness," said a tired and bitter-looking council member from the main table. "Step forward. State your case for promotion."

"Yes, sir!"

One by one, the council and MPs interviewed each of us. When they got to me, and asked me to state my case for promotion, they didn't seem impressed with my answer, "I don't know exactly what you want to hear. I don't really care about rank. But I do like the idea of less pigs to have to listen to."

I saw Erwin glance at the ceiling in what, for him, was a gesture of exasperation. But when they were about to finish with me, he asked for a chance to speak on my behalf.

Erwin stepped forward. He opened his mouth and kind and beautiful words tumbled out like flower petals falling on a windy day. He said a lot of things. Most of which I thought were overstatements, like that I was the greatest warrior mankind had ever seen, or that the Survey Corps couldn't exist in the future without me. I didn't expect to hear any of that, and whether he believed what he was saying or not, I can't deny it didn't feel bad to hear him say he needed me. On the other hand, he'd never made a secret about wanting me to stay in the Survey Cops, the problem was the way he was trying to manipulate me into doing it. On top of that, the fact that he was having to bow down to these pigs just because I had a mouth I couldn't close brought a special kind of rage and humiliation. But there was really nothing I could do to prevent it, so I clenched my jaw and waited for this to be over.

The meeting ended with the council saying they would review our applications and notify us of the results sometime in the next week. Erwin and the other two saluted, and the same two MPs who'd brought us here opened the door so we could leave. Ness and Darius maintained their dignity up until we were out of sight of the council, then roughly hugged each other and bounced around. Clearly they felt the interview had gone well.

I was still mulling it over, still utterly no idea what Erwin was thinking by recommending me for a promotion. I looked up at him. But for a slight tension between his brows, his expression was calm as ever. Of course, that meant nothing. As ever, I had no ability to read him even a little. I glanced at the ground as we walked together, quickly falling behind the excited privates who had already bounded off toward the carriage.

"What's your angle?" I asked him softly, in case MPs might overhear.

"Angle?" Erwin asked, a bit too innocently.

I narrowed my eyes up at him. "You promote me without a word. No, more importantly, you promote me. Are you still trying to use me to-"

Erwin's hand grabbed my wrist and the next moment I found my back hitting the wall of a corridor off the main route. Erwin towered over me, his cold blue eyes boring unyielding into mine. He seemed to need to gather himself before he said anything, and for a moment we stood like this in silence.

"I waited for you. You didn't come to my room."

I glared up at him. "Huh?!"

"I put you up for promotion weeks ago, it only took this long to go through. I knew you would come through for us spectacularly," Erwin continued, his tone softening a little. "And of course, you did. I'm doing everything I can to keep you with us, and keep you happy."

I had to bite back a physical pain that struck my chest as he said this. _Stop it_ , I barked inside my own head. _You knew this. Mike said it, and Erwin confirmed it. This guy would sell his soul to defeat the titans, of course he'd give his body. That's not what I want._

Erwin's grip on my wrist loosened a little, so now it felt like he was holding it, rather than forcefully pressing me into the wall. "I thought you would come to my room after we spoke," he murmured, looking hard into my eyes. "Why didn't you?"

I sighed. "Maybe I can ask you, then. Won't Private Murder-eyes have something to say?"

"Private Kohler?" Erwin murmured in surprise. "Levi, I tried to explain, that was…" But at that point he glanced aside and trailed off. Either he found it difficult to say, or he was in the middle of thinking of the most useful lie.

"Go on. You've kept me in suspense, it should be good."

Erwin sighed. "Nothing you need to worry about."

"Worth the wait. Thanks," I said. I attempted to break free but Erwin's hand holding my wrist wasn't moving an inch. I glared up at him, more and more determined to get out of this situation where I felt he could see right through me. I was losing the ability to even defend myself from his skillful usage.

"I don't know what's making you hold back," Erwin murmured gently, lowering his head a little to speak nearer to my ear. "But you don't need to."

I gritted my teeth. "You can relax," I muttered. "I'm not going anywhere."

Erwin's grip on my wrist tightened. In his low, soft voice, he said, "Does this mean I misread you? You don't want what I have to offer?"

I felt my cheeks growing hot and prayed I wasn't blushing visibly as I thought about what he was implying. Once again, I clenched my jaw and attempted to pull my wrist free. But no matter how many times I tried, it was going anywhere. I hid my face from him.

"I don't give a shit either way," I barked, though even I felt it lacked any bite. "Let me go," I said, lowering my head so he couldn't see my face.

"You don't care…which means you don't dislike it either."

I pulled pointlessly against his grip, wanting to be anywhere else at that moment. "Fuck off."

"Levi. Look at me."

I refused, until Erwin's other hand tilted my chin back. I gasped in a breath before his mouth met mine. He wrapped one hand around my waist, drawing my body against his. I melted into his touch, overpowered at that moment by desire that I'd been holding back. The forceful movement of his warm lips against mine, his smell, the strength of his large hand crawling up the small of my back. I gasped again as his tongue slipped between my parted lips and teased mine.

Out of a brief desire to see what kind of face he was making, I let my eyes open. A jolt ran through my body as Erwin's flickered open too and met mine. With our lips gently pressed together and his hot tongue inside my mouth, he held my gaze and continued softly kissing me. Those intense, cold blue eyes kindly yet passionately staring into me as his lips claimed mine was overpowering. Shocking pleasure ran like a fire through my body and I may have let out a small noise. At that moment, Erwin's leg slipped between mine and he pressed his hip into my groin.

I finally closed my eyes and unconsciously bit down on his tongue, which made him flinch and then shiver. After pressing another firm kiss against my lips and rolling his hips against mine, he gently pulled away. We stood sharing one another's breath in silence for a moment. Then we heard boots on the floor. Quickly, we stepped apart as an MP passed.

When the coast was clear, Erwin took a slow breath in and sighed. He took my hand and held it for a moment, causing a flutter to run through my chest. He took a step closer to me and murmured softly, "Will you come tonight?"

I tried to hide the embarrassment and excitement on my face. How stupid was I? Getting all worked up over every single thing he did. "Fuck off," I murmured, with about the least conviction I have ever had upon using those words.

"I'll wait," he said, and squeezed my hand.

We both stepped out (me a little shakily) and headed back to the carriage. We didn't look at each other on the ride back, but I was far more conscious of Erwin's presence nearby than I was during the ride there. As if I could feel his desire from the seat across from me.

Unfortunately, the trip into the interior had only taken up about half the day. So we still had a normal day of training and chores to get through until evening. I wasn't even fighting with myself about what I wanted to do. I knew very well that, once again, Erwin had said and done exactly the right things to get me to do as he wanted. But if I thought about it another way, someone who knew people as well as Erwin did should have been able to tell that I wasn't going anywhere. And if he wanted to be sure, there were probably many ways he could have tried to tie me down and ensure my loyalty. But he chose this one. He wanted this too. Was it all right to be happy about that?

As the hours passed until sundown, my enthusiasm started to dwindle as guilt and insecurity rose. As training ended, it started to rain. It was the worst possible timing. The depressing weather made my feet feel heavy as I headed for my quarters. I walked through the bailey, my hood up to block the thick droplets falling quickly now, the moist smell of the air bringing me back to the day less than two months ago when my life fell apart.

My footing grew uneven as the water sank into the grass, loosening the earth. I couldn't help stopping for a moment and staring down at the struggling grass and mud between. I felt my knees growing weak. Rain was one of the many unpleasant phenomena of living above ground. Despite being water, it never made you feel clean. Only cold. It didn't wash away the past, it just sank into it, permeated it with cold grayness.

Nevertheless, I thought, Isabella would have liked it. Farran would complain, as I would, probably saying it just made the laundry go moldy. But Isabella would probably want to play in it. She'd dance around, laughing like a little kid, and make us both smile. And though Farran would understand what was happening to me now, my shifting loyalties, Isabella never would. She would hate me for bowing my head to Erwin. And for sleeping with him…she would never forgive me.

My feet slowly carried me inside the barracks. It had quickly turned into a heavy rain. The cold had seeped in through my cloak already. I dripped onto the slatted wood flooring, my boots slowly clinking along it. They carried me past the door to my own quarters, and on toward the officers' section. My hood still over my head, I wasn't looking at anyone or where I was going and couldn't even hear well. My steps slowed as I came near my destination.

Just down the hall from Erwin's room, a drop of warmth ran down my face. I let my weight fall against the nearest wall and stood there, shivering. Somehow, as I knew it would, I heard the door open. It slowly closed. Erwin's heavy, recognizable bootsteps came closer.

"Levi…!" I heard his hurried whisper of my name, but I bit my lip and refused to meet his gaze.

Suddenly, Erwin's hand grabbed me and yanked me around, drawing me into a tight hug against his chest. At first I was confused about the violence of this movement, but then I heard a grunt of pain. Followed by a gasp from a third person, somewhere behind Erwin. I blinked, instantly realizing what had happened but too shocked to accept it.

Though Erwin was instinctively holding me very tight, I pushed him away just enough to see Elise Kohler standing behind him, the bloody knife in her shaking hand. She looked like I felt, her face streaked with horror and confusion. She took a step back. Dropped the knife. Then she ran.

My chest was feeling so tight I could hardly draw breath. I eventually gathered the courage to look up at Erwin's face. His jaw was tightly clenched, his eyes closed. He opened them in time to meet my gaze for a moment. He looked over his shoulder at Kohler's absence, the knife on the ground. The growing drops of blood by his feet. He took me by the shoulders and pushed me back to look me over. When he saw I was uninjured, he sighed heavily.

"Thank god," he murmured.

Then Erwin's knees buckled and he crumpled to the ground in a heap. I stood staring down at him in disbelief. His back was facing me. I watched as a red flower bloomed over the blue and white wings. Dread and rage and horror flooded through my body, spreading from the tight spot in my chest. At the back of my mind, I heard voices down either end of the hallway, and another few pairs of boots rushing toward where I stood. I couldn't tear my gaze away from Erwin's back.

Hange's voice. I didn't realize they had arrived. "Erwin…can you hear me? Levi! Levi, what happened!"

As Hange's hands pressed down on the wound in Erwin's back, I moved my gaze down the corridor. It was crowded with people now, but I only saw one quickly disappearing back. Rage drowned out all other emotions. I leapt over Erwin's body and ran at full speed down the hallway.

At first a few people narrowly avoided bumping into me, then everyone moved out of the way. I burst out into the rain after Kohler. She looked over her shoulder and screamed a little when she saw me. She had longer legs, but she struggled over the wet ground. I tackled her and kneed her in the back as we landed, knocking the wind out of her.

She gasped for breath, unable to move. I grabbed the knife from my boot and raised it high, without a thought about whether this was right or wrong. In that instant, despair and horror slowed time for me. It was just like that day. The mud. The smell of blood. The cold sinking into my skin and deeper into my heart. The loss of everything I loved and even myself. Maybe that despair slowed my hand. Either way, it never fell.

I knew Mike was behind me and his hand held my wrist. "Stay calm, Levi," Mike said, softly for him. "He's not dead."

It took a moment for the meaning of his words to sink in. As Kohler coughed and gasped in a breath, I started to hear the sound of the rain again. It drowned out everything else and gradually soaked us even more. I lost the strength in my body and now Mike was all but holding me upright.

"He's all right, Levi," Mike's voice echoed oddly in my mind. There was something wrong with my ears.

As much as I wanted to believe him anyway, the guilt that I had gotten someone hurt and possibly killed again was robbing me of all my will to stay positive. And if I had killed Erwin, I wasn't sure I wanted to live. Cold and warmth dripped down my face as Mike and I stood motionless in the rain while Erwin's blood drained onto the floor of the barracks.


	5. Leader of Soldiers

Chapter Five

Erwin had survived the stab wound – miraculously it had missed his organs – and the surgeons had patched him up, but people died from infection all the time. It was a matter of luck. He'd done that for me. He pulled me out of the way. I just kept thinking over and over how irrational that was, how he could have disarmed her or shouted to me or…I don't know. Even just let her stab me. But he chose to take the hit for me instead. That action had been instantaneous, instinctive. Why? Why would anyone do that? Why would anyone give their own life for mine? Especially someone as valuable to the human race as Erwin Smith. I couldn't wrap my head around it, no matter how hard I tried.

More than that, and the fact that I kept trying not to think about, he'd been stabbed because I had been about to give into temptation. Elise Kohler, who obviously wanted to keep me from Erwin, had planned to kill me before I slept with him. This was the ultimate result of my betrayal of my friends and my former life. Maybe this was just fate correcting itself. Erwin being punished for trying to upset the natural order by bringing an underground rat up to fly freely with the birds. And punishment for me, for thinking I deserved any of it.

I didn't speak to anyone. I went to see Erwin in the medical hut, just for a few minutes. He was pale and he didn't open his eyes. I was grateful for that; I wouldn't have been able to say anything to him.

I went out walking. Didn't do so consciously, just started and didn't come back. I walked for a full day, heading straight out into the forest without paying attention to where I was going. After dark, it started raining again, so with my feet numb from walking and from the cold, I found my way back to the barracks. Hanji asked me where I had been, saying everyone had been worried and looking for me. I didn't answer. Mike frowned at me, but said nothing.

I entered my room and closed the door to echoing silence. I stared into the dark room, only lit by moonlight through the window. Waiting for me, just in the corner of my eye, were Farran and Isabelle's ghosts. I felt their presence so clearly, as if they had never left me. Their brightness and warmth shot through the pain of losing them. They said nothing, only watched me with sadness and disappointment. I bit my lip until it bled.

With a shout, I kicked the desk across the room into the far wall. I pulled the bunk beds down and they crashed into the floor, snapping part of the frame with a crunch. I shouted at nothing and kicked and threw anything I could reach. I tore the curtains down. Finally, I grabbed a chair and threw it through the window. The shattered glass tinkled like a small waterfall as the storm of violence gave way to only the panting of my breath and my heartbeat in my ears.

I don't know whether Hanji warned the others not to come near, but whatever the reason, no one came to investigate the noise. I sat down on the broken beds, my whole body shaking, though I can't remember feeling any emotion or having any particular thoughts. I don't know how long I sat there, but I know it got so cold from the wind that I stopped feeling my face and hands. Eventually, I made a decision.

I got up and took a look around the broken room. It had been my home for the last few months, and I realized I had started thinking of it that way. What was wrong with me? In the end, this had all been just a long and egotistical dream.

The Wings of Freedom had never felt heavy on my back before, but they did now. Slowly, I slipped off my jacket. I held it at my side for a time. _Stop it_ , I told myself. _It's not yours._ I folded it. I set it down on one of the only surfaces not badly damaged; the desk I'd kicked. I took off every piece of clothing that didn't belong to me. I folded them and stacked them all together on the desk. I placed my boots together under it.

Naked and shivering, though I barely felt the cold, I went to the closet and dug out my civilian clothes. The temperature barely changed with the seasons in the Underground, so they weren't really suitable to be worn outside at this time of year. They felt courser, older and less fine than I remembered, but they fit more comfortably than my uniform. I paused when I saw the black jacket, black slacks, crisp white shirt and cravat I had bought for myself with my Survey Corps wages. I considered taking them. But somehow that seemed like tempting fate. It was strange how much it hurt leaving them behind, symbols of achievements I had made up here, in the sunlight.

I walked out into the streets, away from the Survey Corps, bringing only what I had had with me when I arrived. My old clothes, a feeble few coins that I had left in my old coin purse, and my knife. The more distance between me and my false home, the more I got the strangest feeling of unease. Like I was betraying something. I should feel better. I was finally doing justice to Farran and Isabelle's memory. I was saving Erwin from putting so much effort into keeping me around, even at personal risk. I was restoring the natural order.

As I walked along the empty street, hands in my pockets as they had once always been to protect them from the grime all around, my feet growing accustomed to the thin leather of my old boots, my steps slowed. I couldn't say why. This felt right, it felt like going home. Even so, the doubts floated up, making my feet feel heavier and my stomach turn. For an instant, I contemplated turning back. And then I spotted five familiar silhouettes in the shadows of a streetlamp ahead. I frowned.

Hanji sighed. "Well, staking out the road to Wall Shina was a good idea. Good evening, Levi."

Mike was there too, a few feet away from Hanji, looking incredibly bored. Also Nanaba, Thomas and Gelgar. The five Survey Corps elites were evenly spaced across the road as if guarding against a riot. I rolled my eyes. Ridiculous.

"What do you want?" I asked them collectively.

"That was going to be my question for you," Hanji said, pushing off the wall they'd been leaning on to come face me. They took me in with a long glance. "Something wrong with your uniform?"

"I just realized it doesn't suit me," I quipped. I looked them up and down as well. "And while we're at it, it's not doing you any favors, either. Browns and tans are unflattering on you. You're clearly a winter."

"Where are you off to at this hour? All-night launderer?" Mike asked with a raised brow.

I sighed and started to walk past them. "I'm going to overthrow the government. Or join the circus. Or anything at all, and fuck you because it's none of your business."

As I came near, Mike asked me, "Are you so afraid of facing Erwin?"

I clenched my fists. My feet stopped without my permission. "You don't know shit," I muttered, even as a cold feeling sank into my stomach. And with much less conviction, "I have nothing to be afraid of."

"Oh? My mistake." Mike said softly. He paused for a moment and I started moving again. Eventually he continued, "I saw that sorry look on your face and assumed you felt guilty. But you're not guilty. You're just a cold, unfeeling monster, as I always thought. So you're going back to the gutter? I like your thinking. That does suit you."

Anger momentarily made me unable to move. Swirling in the pit of my stomach, rage traded places with acknowledgement of his words and sickness at my own arrogance. It was humiliating how right he'd been, all along. Erwin was like a bird. And if he was, then I was a rat. He'd never even look at me except as something useful to him. Prey. An inferior life form, and one that could never join him in the high, clear sunlight.

"I'm glad you think so," I muttered. "Now I won't have to fight you."

"Why did you think we would fight you?" asked the cool Nanaba, her expression barely changing.

I was surprised she'd ask that. "I don't know," I muttered, still walking away. "Don't you hang deserters?"

Hanji made a loud noise of frustration. "Levi, good lord!" I stopped and turned back to observe them. They rested their hands on their hips and stared at me incredulously. "Have you been paying any attention to the place you've been living and the people around you for the past six months? Do you really think anyone in the Survey Corps, or at the very least anyone here, hold any ill will toward you?"

"Well, I hate you," Mike interjected.

"Well, Mike hates you," Hanji agreed. "But Mike's a jealous and over-protective ass. And I think even he secretly likes you."

"I really don't," Mike chimed in again.

But Hanji continued, "What do you see in the eyes that look at you? Honestly, I don't know what it was like living in the Underground. I don't even really want to think about it. But it must have done something to your eyes. I think they still haven't adjusted. Somehow, you need to be told that you're the object of everyone's admiration. And losing you would not only be a blow to the morale of the troops, but it would hurt some of us very deeply."

I watched them, unsure. "I didn't know you were so sentimental," I muttered reflexively.

Hanji laughed. "Well, you're Levi! I can't help it!"

For a time, I couldn't respond to this. It didn't make much sense to me. People had relied on me before. But no one had ever said directly that they'd be sad to see me go. It felt uncomfortable; holding the weight of someone else's emotions. Yet at the same time, as I took a moment to make sure my back was to them, a warm drop of moisture slipped down my cheek. It was painful, uncomfortable and none of my business, but being told I was wanted at that moment changed everything for me.

I realized that was the source of the unease I'd felt: if I left, I would be leaving these hapless, feckless, brave, dirty, disgusting adrenaline junkies to possibly perish without anyone to protect them. For the same character flaw that made me take in Farran, Isabelle, and all the other little urchins near my home in the Underground, I wanted them safe. I wanted to keep an eye on them. I didn't want to leave a job unfinished.

"Two other pieces of news that might interest you," Hanji continued, sounding self-satisfied. I should have known; they'd had me figured out all along. They predicted this conclusion. "Firstly, I talked to a friend of a friend in the MPs. They've decided not to promote you."

I sighed. "Someone has their head on straight then," I muttered. The news didn't surprise me, it just confirmed what I'd been trying to tell Erwin, that I wasn't suited to a politics. "Why does anyone care about promotion?"

"Are you sure? Because they decided to do something else instead. They surveyed some of the soldiers and they all said the same thing. The MPs decided your skills and your effect on the Corps deserve special consideration. They won't give you an ordinary promotion, like me or Mike." I turned to glance back at them with a frown and Hanji smirked at me. They held up their hands in an open-hearted shrug. "They've created a new position for you. Erwin's direct subordinate. They're calling it 'Leader of Soldiers.' I hope you don't mind if we call you 'Captain' for short though, cause it's kind of a mouthful."

I frowned sharply at them. That didn't make any sense. No one in their right mind would promote me; I failed to meet even basic expectations of military behavior, I would never really belong in this world above ground, and worst, Erwin might die because of me.

"You're shitting me," I muttered.

"Sadly no," Mike concurred, flicking his eyes skyward. "I was one of the ones they surveyed. It's pretty much a done deal. I never understood the workings of the inner ring, but at least they chose someone who has a little bit of skill. Albeit the worst personality imaginable."

Hanji tilted their head at him. "Not sure _you_ want to open that particular can of worms, Mike."

I closed my eyes. None of this made any sense. It was hard enough to grasp all these people defending me when there was no benefit for them. But if the MPs knew what had happened with Erwin, how could they even consider this?

"I can't do that," I murmured. "Erwin needs someone…but it isn't me."

Hanji's good cheer faded. "I see," they said with a heavy sigh. "Well in that case, you'd better tell him yourself. That's the second piece of news. We would have come to stop you anyway, if we'd thought you would leave, but we're actually here under orders. He's awake."

I felt my muscles tighten so I couldn't move. I suddenly had the urge to run, and I realized Mike had been right yet again. I didn't have the heart to face Erwin, to look in the eyes of someone who'd been hurt because of me. Because of my selfishness. My arrogance. I took a shaking step toward Wall Shina's gate, imagining returning to the Underground and never seeing Erwin or the Survey Corps again. And somehow a different feeling rose up inside me, one much harder to control.

I took a step back. It was so hard to turn around, to face my guilt. I looked back toward the barracks in the distance. My fingernails biting into my hands, I took off at a run. Back to the Survey Corps. Back to Erwin. Let them kick me out. Let Erwin use me, and Farran and Isabelle's ghosts haunt me. I wanted to see him.

I slowed down as I approached the door of the medical hut. Erwin was the only patient in there right now, and the fireplace was lit. I saw a doctor pass by the window. My hands were shaking. Suddenly I got a powerful feeling of fear and unease and I didn't want to be here. I asked myself what I would do if Erwin resented me for my part in what happened. He would have every reason to. What if he would refuse to see me? What if he would see me only to tell me I was kicked out of the Survey Corps?

In the end, my desire to see him overwhelmed my fears. I opened the door.

Sure enough, there he was, propped up on cushions, examining official documents that some irresponsible person had given him. He looked up as I came in. His eyes were transfixed on me and I started to regret my decision to come in after all, certain that I would fail to hold up under his scrutiny and he would realize he'd been wrong about me all along. Nevertheless, I swallowed and stepped inside.

"Levi…" To my disbelief, Erwin started to smile. Then his eyes flicked down to my clothes. His smile vanished. He didn't look surprised but I was sure there was disappointment in his eyes.

I swallowed. I wondered if I should tell him what I'd been planning to do, or why I decided not to. But somehow I felt like it would only hurt him. And he didn't need any more reasons not to trust me. Besides, he'd probably already figured it out.

I glanced up at the doctor, who'd stopped her work to watch our interaction. I scowled. "Hey, saw-bones. Beat it."

She glanced between me and Erwin before deciding that was a good idea. She saluted Erwin briefly and left us. Reluctantly, I moved over to where Erwin was. I still kept my distance, as far as the closest bed to him would permit, and my head down, still feeling like I shouldn't be here. Now that I was here, I couldn't think of anything to say. I lowered my gaze to stare at the blankets covering Erwin's body.

"Thank you for coming to visit me," Erwin said.

I tried to answer but the words wouldn't come out. I kept imagining how I would feel if I'd been stabbed on behalf of someone else. Or the ways in which Erwin might still reject me, even if he wasn't angry. At this point, being used by him again seemed preferable. The silence hung heavily over both of us for a long time.

"What can I do?" Erwin asked softly.

His tone was so unfamiliar to me, I couldn't help looking up at him.

Erwin was looking down at the papers in his hands, but clearly not reading them. His face showed something I'd never seen in him before: uncertainty. "I've done everything I could think of to get you to stay. But you're still going to leave?"

A sharp pain twanged in my chest. I couldn't help looking away for a moment. Since when did I care so much about being loyal to Erwin? I asked myself. Or the Survey Corps? Even as I did, memories of working with him and the Survey Corps, of sitting quietly nearby him as he ate dinner, of Mike and Hanji and the others defending me, of the grunts looking up to me, of Erwin thanking me for just being there floated up from deep inside me. It was true. I was too far gone now.

But instead of honestly telling him how I felt, bitter words long kept unsaid fell from my lips. "What is this obsession of yours?" I muttered, my face feeling hot. "You just make your own life harder trying to force this. I'm nothing special. I don't belong here."

"I don't believe that," Erwin said, in a clear voice. "I think you'll make the difference in this fight. We can't do it without you, Levi."

I gritted my teeth, wishing this were over and Erwin would just tell me to get lost. "That isn't true."

"I…" Erwin stopped. I couldn't believe it. Erwin had spoken, or tried to, without considering the options first. Or was this another game? How deeply was I trapped in his web? His brows were drawn tight together as he gazed down at the papers he held. Finally, he set them aside. "I just…want you here. I don't want you to go."

"Huh?" I demanded, caught off guard. "What does that mean?"

I stood frozen in disbelief as Erwin looked away. But I'd already seen what he was hiding. His cheeks were red. His brows drawn tight as if he were in great pain. He composed himself moments later, but the color didn't fade from his face. What was happening? Could this be another trick? Erwin had mastered control of his own biology?

"You're blushing," I murmured.

Erwin took a deep breath, hiding his eyes behind his hand for a moment in a surprisingly cute, self-conscious gesture. "It seems so." He sighed, lowering his hand. "But you're wrong that you don't belong here, or that we don't need you. Levi, tell me…" He finally looked into my eyes, with that same uncertainty I'd seen before. He looked much younger somehow. "What can I do? Are you so unhappy here?"

And whether this was an act or not, I'd lost my resistance against him. The feelings came up, I couldn't stop them anymore. I looked down at my feet, clenching my fist. "I'm not 'unhappy.'"

Erwin frowned, not following. "You're not?"

I shook my head in self-reproach. "You could say 'too happy.'" I felt my hands starting to shake again as I met Erwin's gaze. "I can't be…by your side. Not like you want." I bit my lip, unable for a moment to continue. I'd never said these words to anyone before. "I love you."

Silence hung heavy in the air between us. Heat flooded my face and I thought I might cry. I was convinced I'd just broken our relationship and he would never be able to look me in the eye again. But I'd started it now, so I might as well finish it.

"I don't mind you using me," I murmured. "I know you need my skill, or you think you do, so you play me into needing you too, but I don't want to be just your tool. You offered sex…" I blushed again and mulled it over for a moment, biting my lip bitterly. "I don't want to say no to that…but it's not enough. I want your heart. And you can't give it to me, right? You're already using it for the rest of humanity."

My face was bright red. I clenched my jaw in shame. I couldn't believe I'd said all that with a straight face. Sure enough, when I glanced up, Erwin was watching me with a blank, vaguely surprised expression. I wanted to die. It was so humiliating.

"What's this about playing you?" he said at last.

"Hah?" I barked irritably. "How did you just skip over the important part of what I said?"

"Before that, there's something I tried to tell you many times after the last expedition, but I couldn't get you to hear me out." Erwin looked down for a moment as he gathered his thoughts. He continued in a soft, gentle voice, "I was worried because of what you said in the mill that you had some kind of misunderstanding. Levi, I never lied or tried to manipulate you."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "…said the best liar I've ever met."

Erwin sighed, rubbing his temple. He flinched as if raising his arm had hurt his wound and lowered it. "I can understand why you wouldn't believe me. I do sometimes act in a way that…encourages others to do what I want them to." His gaze flicked up to mine again. "But I never did that with you. What I offered to you, I offered openly and without attempt to deceive."

I just scowled at him. "Bull. Shit."

Another heavy sigh. "There's no reason for you to believe me now, either, is there?" Suddenly, Erwin took my hand in both of his. He flinched again as if it hurt him but held my gaze, even as I reflexively tried to back away. "You can have my heart if you want it, Levi."

I blinked at him. Eventually my scowl returned. "I'm starting to wonder if you even have one. Just exactly how badly do you want to win this war?"

Erwin shook his head a little. "I don't mean in exchange for anything. If you want it, I don't mind giving it to you. I'd be glad to."

My lips parted. A thrill of uncertainty and hope started to fill up my chest. "What...does that…"

Erwin searched my eyes as if they contained the answer, but apparently didn't find it. He looked aside for a moment in thought, though still holding my hands. "I'm not sure. I don't think I love you." My chest felt run through and I closed my eyes. But I'd been expecting that, I told myself. Don't harp on it. "I doubt I've ever loved anyone, apart from my parents, so I'm not even sure I'm capable of that emotion. It may take some time for me to understand. But I don't mind giving you everything I have." He thought for a moment and then smiled in self-deprecation with a shrug. "It's hard to explain."

He raised a hand to caress my face and a shiver ran down my body. I couldn't help but lean into his touch. "I don't know about love," Erwin continued softly. "But you're very…precious to me, Levi. I'm not sure I know how, but I want to care for you. Let me be kind to you. If you can be happy with me, then let me make you happy. Not for any reason or exchange, but because I care about you and want to be close to you."

My last resistance crumbled. I felt a tear run down my face and into his hand. He gently rubbed the moisture from my eye. I climbed up into bed with him even as Erwin made a noise of surprise. I watched his face for a time. then pressed my forehead against his. He smiled at me. He cupped my face in his hands. I grasped his shoulders and kissed him. He returned my kiss, cradling the back of my head and the small of my back as I pressed up against him.

I'd been aching for this for so long that all the heat in my body was rushing to my cock, and everywhere we were touching. My back arched like a cat and my hips rolled against him without any clear intention to do so. I indulged in deep, passionate kissing that drove away all other thoughts. I thrust up against him a little harder than before and suddenly he winced. I gasped, pulling back. I couldn't believe I'd forgotten he was hurt.

He stroked my head and pulled me close again. "It's worth it," he said, claiming my lips again. He paused. "But just in case, let's think of a way for me to stay still."

I hesitantly nodded.

Erwin kissed me again, brushing my hair back thoughtfully. He smiled. "Stand up."

"Huh?"

Erwin helped me to stand on the bed, my legs straddling him. Like this, because of the difference in our heights his head still reached my belly button. He smiled and affectionately touched my vest. "I'm glad you're wearing this tonight." As he hooked a finger in my belt and began to pull it loose, he smirked up at me and said, "I've had a fantasy of undressing you after catching you that day in the Underground."

"Hmph," I scoffed. "So you had a fantasy about me. I shouldn't be surprised; all that control had to be hiding something. Only undressing?" I quipped, pushing his forehead a little in annoyance.

He chuckled, but then looked up more seriously and said, "No…though to be honest, it was more than just one." Even while holding my gaze, Erwin slipped my belt free and set it aside. He unbuttoned my pants and slid them down. Then he slipped his hands inside my underwear and slowly pulled them down while caressing my hips. "In one of them, I did this…"

He finally broke my gaze to lean in and place a kiss on my half-hard dick. My knees trembled as if they would buckle and heat rushed over my body. My breath coming in pants, I watched in fascination as he slowly encompassed my whole cock with his mouth. He wrapped one massive arm around my ass to pull me in closer so I felt it touch the back of his throat.

When he pulled back, I arched my back with a cry. I panted hard as he bestowed loving kisses mixed with deep sucking and swallowing. His tenderness was making my skin tingle and all my muscles weak. Within moments, without even rhythmic stimulation, I gasped as my orgasm reached its peak. I cried out, squirting once inside Erwin's mouth and again after I pulled out. And then my legs did give up.

I tried to soften my fall so as not to jar his injury, but then I collapsed against his chest with one arm flung over his shoulder for support. I simply panted there in the warm afterglow, gaining my breath back. After a moment, I noticed a hard object pressed against my ass. I moaned, rubbing against it. Erwin breathed in sharply.

"Levi, I know you might be disgusted after that, but can I kiss you?"

I felt ashamed at how considerate he was. "I've given up trying to stay clean tonight."

I pulled back and started to kiss him, but then I saw what I'd missed when I collapsed against him. When I squirted as I came just then, I got cum all over his face. Even though it should have disgusted me to my core, my cock thrummed back to life on seeing Erwin's parted lips, moist with sucking my cock, his eyes lidded and cheeks flushed with passion, my cum streaked from his cheek to the corner of his mouth.

"You goddamn sex beast," I barked in annoyance. Unable to stop myself, I clasped both hands around his face and licked every scrap of cum from it. I continued kissing parts of his face and licking as I pleased, feeling more and more like an animal in need of mating.

"Nh…Levi…" Erwin murmured in my ear. "You feel so good, rubbing against me." Erwin reached around behind me and, unbelievably, pulled out his cock, and clasped my ass cheeks together with his huge cock between them. "Please…keep moving your hips."

"Ahh…" I moaned, thrusting up against him. Dividing my weight between knees and resting my hands on his shoulders, and trying not too thrust hard, I rubbed my taint against his cock. We both began to gasp as I increased the pace, my own cock already hard again and rubbing precum all over Erwin's belly.

Even though he wasn't inside me, it felt amazingly close to fucking. I desperately wanted to be connected. I bit down on his ear and he jumped, arm tightening around my waist. He said my name over and over in a husky voice and I started to feel like cumming again. I felt precum moistening my taint from Erwin's cock. I wished he could thrust it in already.

I kissed all down his neck and ran my hand up his chest, pushing up his nightshirt. As I slipped my tongue down his ear, I caressed his thick, hard pectoral muscle and then began flicking his nipple with my finger.

"Ah! Levi…" he cried, burying his head in the crook of my neck. "I'm going to cum…don't stop…ngh…Levi!"

He grabbed me tight, squeezing me against him at every possible point, rushing the breath out of my lungs, he held me so hard. I closed my eyes, relishing the little pain. He shuddered several times, his cock spraying my back and ass with thick cum. He kept holding me, twitching, until at last his cock was spent. He slowly released me and drew my face up for a deep kiss. I wrapped my arms around his head and returned it.

Eventually, Erwin drew away with a wince. I looked into his eyes, seeing pain there. I bit back guilt, still shaking from happiness at what he had told me. I rested my forehead against his and kissed him lightly again, this time taking care to remember the feeling of his lips, then carefully dismounted from the bed, so as not to jar him.

"Levi, it's all right. You don't have to go."

"I won't, if you don't want me to," I muttered, blushing again. "But I think you have some work to do. I'm your direct subordinate now, so if ever you had a chance to slack off, it's gone." Erwin smiled appreciatively. "That, and eventually I have to get back to my room." I straightened my vest. "I'm out of uniform."

Pride and relief glowed over Erwin's face. He nodded, but as I turned to leave, grabbed my hand and pulled me back to him. "Just a little more," he murmured against my lips, then clasped my cheek in his hand and sweetly kissed me. After a few moments of indulging him, I reluctantly pulled away. He once again brushed my hair from my face. "Until I understand love, help me to make you happy, Levi. Teach me how to make you feel loved."

That phrase caught me between indignation and joy, offense and sadness, and I scoffed irritably. "You're such an ass. As if you need lessons." I grabbed him and kissed him hard one more time. "Don't slack off. I'll come and see you tomorrow, Commander. So…look forward to that."

I turned to leave and as I slipped out the door, he folded his hand over his heart and said, smiling, "Yes, Leader of Soldiers."

I scowled. "Shameless bastard."


	6. Erwin Smith's Duty

Chapter Six

Erwin received permission to plan another exterior exposition for two months from that time. Crazy bastard. It was barely enough time for that hole in his side to close up. Elise Kohler went to prison and I never saw her again. However, having Erwin acknowledge my feelings for him didn't seem to change much about his behavior.

I didn't see him for about a week after he was discharged (or rather gave himself permission to ignore the doctors) from the medical unit. He said he had business in the interior. I didn't think much about that until I saw Mike kicking back with some of his subordinates outside the barracks one afternoon. My eyebrow twitched.

"Hey. Aren't you supposed to be where Erwin is?" I demanded. "You're his guard dog, right?"

Mike and his subordinates abruptly stopped laughing as I approached. Mike eyed me up and down. "You're his second in command."

"You're saying he didn't tell you either?"

"Oh no, he did. He has reason to trust me," he said, with an emphasis on the last word.

I sighed. That was about enough of that. "Okay. See you later."

"Oh?" asked Mike with a canine grin. "You don't want to know what he's up to up there, without his ball and chain?"

I turned back to him, choosing to ignore that obvious dig at me while at the same time unconsciously denying that I even held that level of importance to Erwin. "Well?"

Mike smirked to himself, pushed up from the supply crate he'd been sitting on and broke away from his subordinates to address me privately. In a tone the others couldn't hear, he murmured, "Actually what I meant was: you don't want to know. I'm being kind. Can't you tell?"

I didn't want to think about what he was implying, but it didn't take much thought to realize. Especially since Mike was the one who had informed me about Erwin's habits in the interior in the first place. "He's still doing that?"

"He's doing what he has to, for the sake of the Survey Corps," Mike said, after raising an eyebrow solemnly at me. His antagonism toward me regardless, he believed what he was saying. "It's time you understood that's always going to be the way it is."

I didn't bother responding to that, turning away and heading back to my quarters. Mike let out a soft, self-righteous scoff but didn't follow. But as I rested my fingers on the door, I got fed up with this feeling. I let my hand fall. Instead, I kept walking toward another room. It was locked of course, since he wasn't here. Well. That was a small impediment.

…

That night, at what must have been close to ten, the door to Erwin's room creaked open. With a sigh, Erwin examined the broken lock, which now contained my boot print in it.

"Yo," I said from where I sat, reclining on his bed in the candlelight. I set aside a book I'd been reading, which I had found on his nightstand. It was a novel, if you can believe that, about milkmaid trying to protect her poor family from an oppressive land owner. But then, those were a lot of themes that Erwin liked.

He glanced at me and smiled ruefully. "Hello, Levi. I'm sorry I made you wait so long." He tilted his head and examined the broken lock behind him before addressing me again, "Did you have to take it out on my door?"

"Well. I wanted to wait for you and I wasn't about to sit on the floor," I answered.

Erwin nodded with a half smirk. "Your suggestion is to leave a bench for you outside my room?" he asked, closing the door. He took off his jacket and began to remove his belts as if I wasn't there. Should I take that as a compliment, that he trusted me to be vulnerable, or an insult that I wasn't worth having his guard up?

"Or you could give me a key."

"I guess I could," he said. Finally, after he was down to a shirt and trousers, he approached the bed and watched me with a soft smile. "Does this mean you'll join me tonight, Levi?"

I shifted my jaw, getting the feeling I was losing to him somehow. "Problem?"

He reached out to caress my hair, and then feel down my chin as he pulled it upward a little to see my face better in the candlelight. "Not at all."

He leaned down and softly pressed his lips to mine. I allowed this for about ten seconds before I got impatient and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling his chest against mine and deepening the kiss. Erwin responded by shifting one knee onto the bed beside me and pushing me back against it. Finally my body was in contact with his. I shivered as warm pleasure and gathering excitement ran down my skin, centering between my legs. At that moment my only thought was that I wanted to prove to him that I was better than anyone else he'd ever had.

But then, as he wrapped his arms around me and broke the kiss to hug me tightly, breathing in the skin of my neck, I got a strange scent from him. A soap I didn't recognize, delicate and floral; I was certain that quality was not something available inside Wall Rose. And perhaps, underneath it, the remains of perfume.

I clapped a hand over my mouth and turned away from him as a sudden wave of nausea struck me.

"Levi?" Erwin murmured with concern. He took a breath as if he meant to speak, but stopped himself. I realized I had surprised him. He paused for some time while I tried to compose myself and forget that feeling I had just had. To my surprise, Erwin sat back on his ankles over me, breaking the contact between us.

Erwin watched me for some time, not seeming to know what to say. But eventually he looked away from me, his eyebrows knit together. "You don't…have to force yourself," he murmured, so softly I barely heard him.

I was so shocked I didn't quite respond appropriately. "Huh?" I barked. "You think I'm not here because I want to be?"

He frowned down at me, still looking concerned. "I don't know. I never could read you very well, Levi."

That shocked me a little, frankly. That there was anyone Erwin couldn't read, that alone was news to me. And furthermore, that that person was someone as blatant about my emotions as me, was actually hard to believe. I had a brief, hopeful thought that having feelings for someone messed with one's judgement, but more likely it was something simple like the fact that I was so short he rarely got a good look at my face.

"I don't want you to think you have to do anything to please me," Erwin continued. "I'm happy with whatever you want our relationship to be. You don't belong to me and you don't owe me anything."

My lips parted. _And you don't belong to me either, is that it?_ I gritted my teeth and turned away from him again. For being a genius, he was such a moron. He didn't get it at all.

"I guess you must already be tired from work in the interior," I murmured, getting up from the bed and straightening my clothes. "I've disturbed you."

Erwin didn't even bother avoiding my gaze as he shook his head. "I'm not, but…wait, Levi," he said, grasping my wrist to prevent me from leaving. He rose to stand beside me and addressed me softly, "If you don't want to do anything, that's okay. We don't even have to talk if you don't want to. If it's not too hard for you, please stay. I want you here."

Hard for me? I wondered. Having said this, he gently stroked my hair and seemed as if he would place a kiss on it, but instead he just smiled.

I flinched. Did that mean what I thought it did? He'd had better in the interior and my body wasn't interesting to him anymore? So that was it. He was willing to do anything to keep me in the Survey Corps, whether that stuff about my being "precious" to him was true or not, but he didn't need me for sex. He'd still do it if I asked, I was sure, but maybe he'd just rather not.

I'm not sure I'd ever had such a moment of indecision before. Part of me wanted to prove that I was better than anyone else. I wanted to bind him to me. If I wasn't the only one, if he could at least crave me then I needn't fear losing him. But at the thought that he wasn't interested, my whole body grew cold with insecurity. Trying too hard might have the opposite effect of turning him off, especially if he weren't really attracted to me. His confession about dreaming about me floated into my mind, but as always I could never tell what was true with him.

"Levi?" he murmured softly, leaning down closer to see my face.

"It's fine," I said softly, steeling my courage. "I'm here because I want to be." I met his gaze, watching his face closely for signs of deception. "It's up to you. If you're too tired, then I'll go back to my room. If not…" I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled my body against his. "…then let's get tired together."

He still didn't seem quite sure. "You're not pushing yourself?"

"Back at you."

Erwin offered a half smile. He ran his fingers through my hair again, cupping my chin in his hand. "If you say so, Levi. I'll gladly take you up on your irresistible offer."

A little shiver of relief ran down the back of my neck as he grasped my face in both of his large, calloused hands and kissed me deeply, his tongue entering my mouth and toying with mine. My eyes fluttered as my skin tingled everywhere he touched me. Instead of pulling me back into bed, he grasped my shoulders and pushed me up against the broken door, quickly drowning me in intense kisses. I tried to run my hands up his chest in response at first, but then I felt his hands running down my body and trembled with a gasp against his lips.

His large hands so easily found every erogenous zone on my body and soon I found it difficult to concentrate on anything. They ran over my ass and squeezed. I shivered and let out a soft noise, which was soon swallowed up inside his mouth. Suddenly, he grasped my thighs in both hands and yanked them up around his ribs, slamming me against the door with the weight of his body.

"Ah!" I gasped, partly in pain because I hit my head. "I guess the last time you were an invalid. I didn't know you were this excitable," I grumbled.

"Sorry. Neither did I," Erwin murmured, caressing one of my muscular thighs as he indulged in another kiss. Against my lips, he murmured, "But in your case it feels good to be a little rough. Do you mind?"

I sighed as a stinging pain struck a small part of my chest. _In my case, huh? Meaning it's different with others. You don't have to be nice to me._

"Not really. I'm humanity's strongest, remember?" I reminded him, even though my own words pained me. At least I had one thing others didn't. "I'm pretty sure I can take whatever you can give. No need to be gentle."

"I'm glad. You make me so excited, it's hard to think of anything but swallowing you whole," Erwin whispered. "Tell me if it's too much."

"Ah…" I gasped as he slipped his tongue deep inside my ear. I remembered he'd been enthusiastic about sucking my dick the last time, too. Maybe he had a sensitive mouth. Interesting, I thought. "Back off, I want to get undressed."

"Yes, sir."

Though he did so with slow precision that made me shudder with sensation as his hands slid up my thighs, he put me back down on the ground. I slipped off my jacket and he reached for my cravat to tug it loose. He stole a quick but deep kiss as we each unbuckled our own belts and took off our shirts. I was starting to pull down my own pants when Erwin slipped both hands inside my pants and squeezed my bare ass.

"Ahh…" I cried, shuddering as his tongue invaded my ear again.

He lifted me up again, this time managing to hold my body in the crook of one arm, pressing me against the door. With the difference in our heights, he was still kissable from here if I leaned down. I did so as he ran his free hand down one thigh and then the other, slipping my legs free of them. While holding my gaze with beastly intensity, he reached down and took hold of one of my boots. He pulled slowly.

I couldn't explain it, but the way he was looking at me, the slow tugging of the boot down my leg, the shifting of the muscles in Erwin's arm, all drove my heart pounding and excitement flooding my body. I trembled, holding back gasps as he reverently slipped my boot off and let it fall to the ground. This was so erotic. As if he was sliding his dick out of me. I even sighed softly as the boot fell. His hand gently touched my foot and I jumped with unexpected sensation. His fingers teased the bottom hem of my trousers and finally met the bare skin of my ankle. He hooked his fingers in my sock and slowly pulled it down, taking the time to feel every part of my foot as he did so.

I had to bite the heel of my hand to stop from making noise. I had no idea my feet were sensitive. I did so much kicking and hard landings with them I thought the nerves must be deadened by now. Obviously not. He again met my gaze as he brought his other arm up underneath by ass, switching his free hands. He took hold of my remaining boot, and by now I was so excited my cock was twitching against his chest. He reverently removed my boot and let it fall, again reaching up my leg to pull down my sock, and felt up my whole foot as he removed it.

I let out a moan against my own hand. As Erwin slowly slipped my pants the rest of the way down my legs, his eyes caught on my chest as it rose and fell quickly with my heightened breathing. With fascination, he drew closer and swallowed one of my nipples in his mouth. My back arched as I finally let out a cry.

Unfortunately, as my pants fell in a heap on the ground, his mouth ventured further down my chest and stomach, and finally wrapped tightly around my cock.

"Ahh!" I yelped. "Erwin, knock that off."

"I'm sorry," he murmured, looking up at me hesitantly. "Does it disgust you?"

I sighed. "Don't be stupid. I want to touch you too."

A little color rose to Erwin's cheeks. He wrapped both arms around me and forced my hips up against his chest. I flinched and shivered with sensation as my cock rubbed in between his huge pectoral muscles. But before I had a chance to be drawn in to that incredibly hot action, he claimed my mouth in a kiss again. I let out small noises into his mouth, sinking into this sweet sensation.

Reluctantly, he lowered me to the ground again. Once there, I quickly unbuckled his pants and started to slide them down his legs. I pushed him down onto the bed to remove his pants and socks, though I was frankly too embarrassed to try what he had done for me. Anyway, I was far more interested in confirming my earlier theory.

"Get me ready," I said, mounting the bed beside him but facing the opposite direction and straddling my hips over his chest. "I'll be entertaining myself down here."

That said, I faced his huge cock that was lying like a thick, resting snake over his stomach. I picked it up, caressing it with my fingertips a little and making it throb in my hands. Erwin breathed out rather hard, but otherwise remained still. He stretched out his hands around my ass and thighs. The next moment, confirming my suspicion about him, I felt a tongue run down the line between my balls. I flinched, my whole body tensing as I tried to keep my hand moving over his cock. But it was such a turn-on that Erwin's tongue was currently exploring one of the most sensitive places on my body. It was hard to concentrate.

I rubbed his cock for a time as he drew each of my balls into his mouth and sucked down hard. I closed my eyes with a shiver as his tongue roamed up toward my taint. And though it was disgusting and embarrassing, all I could think about was hoping he would lick my asshole. I was trembling with desire. But he hesitated. His tongue and one of his hands broke contact and I glanced back, wondering if something was wrong. He had two of his own fingers deep in his mouth. He removed them after a moment, and softly pressed them against my hole.

I twitched under his touch. His fingers pressed around my entrance for a while, softening it, then finally he started to press the first one inside. I briefly collapsed to his stomach as I failed to be able to think of anything but his finger slowly moving inside me.

"You're very clean here. Did you clean yourself out before you came?" Erwin asked.

I wasn't able to answer at first, as I realized my hips were twitching when his finger moved inside me. I returned my attention to his cock, stroking it as I murmured, "Don't get excited. I do that anyway."

Erwin stifled a laugh. "Of course you do. Oh. I just remembered," he murmured. I gasped as he removed his finger from inside me. "I've got something good."

Erwin leaned over to his trousers on the floor and, without dislodging me from on top of him, dug around inside the pockets for something. I couldn't see what it was, but then I felt something cold and wet on my asshole.

"The fuck?!" I demanded.

Erwin didn't seem phased, as he swirling his fingers around my entrance, slowly warming up the cold fluid. With his free hand, he set down a small, metal tin, from which he'd apparently obtained the substance. "A friend lent this to me. He said it's very effective."

I scowled at him, narrowing my eyes, very suspicious of whomever this "friend" might be. "At what?"

"Well…let's see," Erwin replied with a smirk.

He slowly inserted his finger inside me again. I shivered, biting my lip. The liquid, whatever it was, started getting warmer immediately. So warm it was making my lower half tingle. He played with my insides, searching for my prostate. Each time his finger twisted, heat ran through my crotch. I was grateful he wasn't touching that area right now or I might have cum already.

"So you've…never used this on anyone before?" I murmured, still half-heartedly stroking his cock.

"You're the first," Erwin answered blithely.

"Mmh…" I sighed, letting my head rest on his stomach momentarily as he slowly inserted a second finger. "Erwin…"

"Yes?"

"Have you slept with men before?"

Erwin froze. I craned my head to look back at him in incredulity that he hadn't already answered. But he just stared back at me with his mouth open. He glanced aside. "That's…not an easy question to answer."

"Isn't it?" I growled, irritated. "Pretty sure it just requires a 'yes' or a 'no'. Or a number, if you like."

Erwin chuckled, though still seemed uncomfortable. "I meant it's difficult to know exactly in what way I should answer…without knowing why you want to know."

I scowled at him. "I'll take that as a 'yes' at least," I muttered, though my heart sank at saying it out loud.

"Why do you ask?" Erwin asked, sounding quite curious.

"Bored of this topic now."

Saying this, I took as much of his cock into my mouth as I could. I heard Erwin's head fall back on the pillows behind him as he hissed in a breath.

"Ngh…Levi…" he murmured.

That's a good reaction anyway, I thought. It should have disgusted me. I couldn't help but think about what he most commonly used this for, not to mention who else it might have been inside. It definitely did not taste good. Bitter and strongly musky, not something meant to be tasted. Yet despite all this, saliva was dripping down it from my mouth. My whole mouth felt hot and sensitive. I tried to take it further down my throat and even enjoyed the brief gagging sensation. One thing was for sure; Erwin made me crazy.

As he calmed down a bit from the initial sensation of feeling my mouth, he returned to stretching out my insides. And inexplicably, licking and biting my ass, balls, anywhere he could reach. No doubt now, he definitely had a sensitive mouth.

Despite the fact that I was already feeling close, I briefly removed his cock from my mouth to turn back and murmur, "Erwin. Suck mine too."

He kissed my ass cheek once more. "Thank god. I thought you wouldn't let me."

"Nh?" I demanded in irritation, not sure what he meant, but then I couldn't think as his large mouth encompassed my entire dick. I gasped. Erwin's cock dropped from my mouth and snapped onto his stomach, he was so hard. I noticed being inside my mouth had made it slick and pink. Even as my hips twitched from the double stimulation of his mouth on my cock and fingers in my ass, I gave the tip little licks, teasing like a cat.

"Ah…" Erwin cried, removing my cock from his mouth. "Levi…it's agony, at least stroke it if you're going to do that."

I flicked a glare back at him. "Someone's not doing what they're told."

I forced my cock back into his mouth. He gurgled slightly, but his free hand tightened passionately over my thigh. I thrust lightly into his mouth as his fingers thrust into my ass. Erwin moaned softly into my cock and breathed harshly, his back arching a little. He was enjoying this.

"Good boy," I told him, trying not to sound too affectionate, but failing.

As a reward, I swallowed his cock again, as deeply as I could. Erwin gasped and unconsciously thrust his hips upward into my mouth. I relaxed my throat as much as possible, frankly unable to think of anything but my lust for him, letting streams of saliva streak down his crotch as his cock thrust over and over to the deepest part of my mouth.

Erwin was doing a better job of concentrating than me, as he met my slow thrusts into his mouth with movements of his tongue, and even added a third finger to stretch out my ass for him. I was quickly melting into sensation, my eyes flickering as heat flooded my whole body.

"Ah…Levi…" he moaned at one point. "Thrust harder…" He swallowed my cock again, and licked hard, seeming to be begging to have his mouth fucked.

My eyebrow twitched in slight annoyance at being told what to do, but color also rose to my cheeks at hearing Erwin so submissive. After swallowing his cock deeply, I thrust hard into his mouth. His fingers dug into my thigh in desperation. I gradually let my instincts take over, using his mouth like I wanted to. Erwin moaned, his hips twitching into my mouth. But the three ways he was stimulating me, cock, fingers and mouth, were getting to be too much for me. And I wasn't the only one.

My desire drove my excitement to fever pitch, and as his fingers dug into my prostate, I trembled from head to toe as an orgasm hit me. I came hard down his throat. My vision faded for a moment as the feeling went on and on. And then another wave of pleasure as Erwin's cock suddenly thrust deep into my throat and hot liquid coated my throat. I shivered.

As we both relaxed for just a moment in this sweet sensation, I slowly let his cock slip from my mouth. Saliva and semen dripped steadily from my mouth. I shivered with pleasure, even though that should have made me want to vomit. If it were anyone else, I realized, it would have. I discovered with further excitement that his cock, now twitching against his stomach again, was still hard.

"Mm," I commented with approval.

With reluctance, I disengaged myself from both his mouth and fingers. I shifted down his body so my hips were nearer to his own. I felt his hands wrap around my hips, though he said nothing at first. Still feeling a bit dizzy from coming so recently, I grasped his cock and positioned it under my hole.

"Wait…Levi…I just came," Erwin murmured, briefly closing his eyes as I touched his cock. "Let's take a break…"

"Hmph. Disobedient dog," I chided.

With that, I pressed his throbbing cock against my twitching hole. It was well-lubed and stretched out, so even though he was huge, the first couple of inches went in without much resistance. That said, I was having trouble remaining upright as new sensations assaulted my brain. Erwin seemed equally struggling.

"Ah…ah…" he cried as I sank slowly down around him. "Levi…"

It took a while to take him as deeply as I could. Once there, we both had to rest for a few moments, panting in overstimulation. It was so deep I almost thought it would come out my mouth. I could feel a hard spot in my stomach. My own cock still twitched in front of me, begging to feel his cock rub against my prostate. Though by now I was trembling and could barely summon any strength in my muscles, I slowly lifted my hips. And lowered them again.

"Ah…!" Erwin cried, his fingers tightening on my thighs.

My breathing had become ragged as pleasure assaulted my brain. I had to keep reminding myself that this was about proving to Erwin that I was better. It wasn't about having fun. But the next time I lifted my hips and his cock dug into my prostate, I slumped backward as I lost the ability to keep myself upright. Erwin's large hands grabbed me by my shoulders, steadying me.

He let me slump back against him, panting and resting my head on his shoulder. But the moment I was laying on my back, I realized the angle had changed inside me and the pressure was even greater. I gasped, letting out rapid breaths and moans as my vision went blurry with sensation. Erwin soothed me with kisses on my cheek, temple and neck, and held my chest securely against him with one arm.

With the other hand, he held my thigh as he began thrusting with short, gentle thrusts to the deepest point inside me. I lost all control I had of my voice, and began making soft, shameful noises with every other thrust of his hips. Finally, as his left hand moved from my chest to my jaw, to shift my face toward him and enable him to kiss me, his other hand started stroking my cock in time with pumping his dick inside me.

"Mmmm!" I moaned into his mouth.

He kept this up until I felt dizzy with pleasure, my cock aching and dripping with precum. His lips broke from mine for a moment and he tightened his fingers into my hair, panting against my lips and staring hard at me as he fucked me.

"Levi…" he whispered.

Then he trapped my mouth in a kiss as he thrust harder inside me. I tried to tell him I was already coming again, but even if my mouth had been free I couldn't speak. My head was flooded with sensation as he pounded my insides until I almost passed out. Suddenly, he thrust hard and slow three or four times. His stomach muscles tensed against my back. He still wouldn't release my mouth, even as I whimpered against it.

His hips twitched against me. Over and over, I felt waves of warmth pass through my stomach. He was cumming so much. At that moment, I went a little strange. I gasped as he finally released my lips, but my breath wouldn't come right. His hand was still lightly stroking my cock as it twitched over and over in his hands, and my mind went utterly blank as an orgasm refused to stop, even though nothing came out of my cock.

With an irritating fascination, Erwin watched me. He murmured softly, "Levi…are you having a dry orgasm?"

I still couldn't answer, twitching on top of him and waiting for this sensation to calm down as embarrassing noises continued to spill from my lips. Erwin couldn't seem to tear his eyes away from me, heedless of my distress. Instead, he slipped his tongue inside my open mouth and further drove away my sanity by slowly teasing my mouth while maintaining eye contact. He stroked my cock again and my back arched. That felt like the peak of the wave, but it wasn't over. He kept drawing it out by kissing me, making me unable to think.

In fact, it took about another two minutes for most of the pleasure to die down. Even then, every time my hips twitched, it produced more pleasure. It helped that Erwin's cock was slowly growing softer, putting less pressure on my prostate. But as I discovered, we were both in a similar position on that front.

"Mm," Erwin said softly, kissing my ear. "Levi, it'll help if you stop twitching around me like that. It feels wonderful, but if you keep that up, I'll be up all night."

"Oh…" I murmured, much more obedient than usual after having cum so hard.

Slowly, as I was still feeling a bit dopey, I shifted my feet to help me lift my hips. Erwin helped by cradling my ass in his hands and tilting his hips down, allowing his cock to slide slowly out of me. I couldn't help another couple of moans as he did this. But finally he was out and I collapsed on top of him, still shivering now and then as waves of pleasure still lingered.

I felt him stroking my hair and perhaps a soft breath against my cheek as he murmured something so softly I didn't catch. But then, even though under normal circumstances I would be desperate for a bath, I fell into a deep sleep. Right there, still lying on top of Erwin and parts of my body draped in his cum. The weird thing was, I couldn't even remember the last time I got such a restful sleep.

I had a vague recollection of a sensation of being carried. Of warm water on my body, warm hands and warm, clean clothes. Erwin's smell. Erwin's touch. His heat. And a ticklish soft touch against my cheek. Erwin's lips.

But I woke the next morning to cold. And nothing. I sat up in my own bed. I looked across the lonely room, sun starting to peak through the cold morning into my window. I'd gotten a private room after being promoted. Part of me hated that even the memory of Farran and Isabelle's presence here had been erased, their bunks – as a matter of fact – destroyed by me, along with my own.

I looked down at my clothes. They were my own nightclothes, the ones I folded and placed on top of my own bed every morning. My body was clean, apparently having been wiped down. My ass stung as I sat fully up, and I reflexively leaned forward, clutching my knees. I sighed, resting my head on my knee. What would they think of me now? Letting myself be toyed with by something far scarier than a titan. Though I should be happy that Erwin was so considerate, the fact that he was apparently so used to this, and yet didn't feel comfortable enough to let me sleep in his bed, all confirmed Mike's words. I didn't want to know what Erwin did for the Survey Corps.


	7. The Levi Squad

Chapter Seven

I tightened the straps of my gear as I prepared for the day's training. It was approaching summer now, and the sun was shining brightly on the dirt training ground even though it was still chilly at this hour. Four young soldiers, in varying states of nervousness and uncertainty, watched me closely, waiting for orders.

I had been attempting to dismiss the insecurity of not knowing how important I was to Erwin, because it didn't seem to help anything. And it wasn't like me. Besides, the idea that I finally had something over Erwin, even if it were a small thing, made me feel a little giddy. But soon, I would run out of room to consider anything that didn't involve titan-killing. The Survey Corps would soon leave the walls on its 56th mission to explore titan territory and observe them. And for the first time, my role would be tactically important. Erwin said that meant I could choose an elite squad to work closely with me. And though this came as a surprise even to myself, I already knew who I wanted.

There were four soldiers who had impressed me in previous missions and training, though for different reasons. Gunter Schultz was skilled at 3DMG and, more importantly, he was a critical thinker, always honest and direct, even to superiors. Oluo Bozard was probably the best flier in the Survey Corps who wasn't already an officer. It was obvious why he wasn't – because he had a mouth on him, which I didn't hate either. Petra Ral was an obvious choice, not only her titan kill and assist count but for her resilience and psychological strength, ability to make correct decisions and even stay positive despite the worst circumstances. And – again excluding officers – the person I had the most trust in both in terms of skill and judgement, Eld Jinn. All four of them had proven to be incredibly brave, even among the Survey Corps. Erwin agreed to my choices, and then told me to start training with them separately.

Of the four of them, only Eld seemed at all relaxed to have been chosen and to be standing before me like this. As for me, I still didn't quite know what the fuck I was doing. But I figured we might as well get started.

"I know you can all kill titans," I said, causing most of them to tense up, since I hadn't spoken for about a minute and a half. "How well do you all know each other?"

The four glanced around each other with uncertainty, and it was a long time before anyone had an answer. My temper continued to grow worse as they kept me waiting.

At length, Gunter coughed and offered a half shrug. "I would say, not too well. Eating dinner together once in a while, that's about it."

"For some of us, that's more than enough," Oluo drawled, pointedly looking away from the others.

Petra's eye twitched. "As if _you're_ the one who doesn't want to hang out with _us_ , you arrogant loafer."

"Are you flirting with me, Petra?"

"I'd sooner get kicked by a horse."

Eld watched the others for a time and then met my gaze. He simply shook his head.

I narrowed my eyes at each of them in irritation. "That's not good enough. To start, we're all going to run formation drills while the sun is up. Every day. For as long as we have to. You should be able to look at each other's faces and predict each other's next action to some extent."

"Sir…" Gunter murmured in disbelief. "Even most of the squad leaders, people who've known each other for years, can't do that…"

"You're not squad leaders," I told him, flatly. "In a way, what I need you to do is even more difficult than that." Gunter looked apprehensive, but I saw admiration shining in the eyes of Petra and Oluo. "Erwin has big ideas for the function of this squad. You don't have to worry about tactics or making big decisions in the field, you can leave that to me. Your only concern is becoming the most elite, mobile and efficient team of titan-killers in the human race. Your strengths as a team will be far greater than any individual, even me. I chose each of you because I thought you could do that. Was I wrong?"

I seemed to have stumped them for a moment, as they all gazed at me with mouths hanging open. But then, one by one beginning with Eld, each of them saluted, their fist over their chest. "No, sir!" they each replied firmly.

I nodded. "One more thing. For whatever reason, Erwin wants the five of us to be able to communicate silently. So tonight we're all going to learn some basic hand signals. In the meantime, let's get up in the air."

"Yes, sir!"

We did indeed practice that day until the fading light made it too dangerous to continue. And despite my optimistic words, it was definitely a frustrating experience on that first day working closely together.

Eld – and this was news to me – had an absent-minded side to his personality. He had a tendency to become lost in thought sometimes when there was no imminent danger, and he frequently missed subtle cues by not making adequate eye contact, or was surprised to be given new orders and slowed down or stopped to consider them. Petra was good at reading others' faces but concentrating so hard was distracting her from flying and slowing her own reaction time, so she had a couple of close calls with tree branches. And Gunter and Oluo couldn't seem to fly and read facial expressions at the same time. On top of which Oluo kept getting into arguments with Petra, which by itself nearly caused several accidents.

I have to admit, rather embarrassingly, that I wasn't much better. At these kind of low speeds without any danger, I found I could watch others' faces without losing track of what I was doing. But my instincts about what those facial expressions meant did not have a high accuracy rate. So once or twice I nearly plowed straight into someone, saved only by my body's instinctive reactions. This did not bode well.

We all dragged ourselves to the mess hall for dinner that evening and reluctantly started learning the hand signals Erwin had taught me, even though personally I was not feeling good about this. And that was basically the pattern for the next couple of weeks.

But I was apparently the only one who doubted our capability as a group. To my pleasant surprise, after a shaky start, these four quickly started trading nervous tension for mild dislike. But that was what I wanted. From that dislike came familiarity and trust. We would be much more like a slightly dysfunctional family than a gang of buddies. In fact, the more we liked one another, the more attached we would grow. And the more attached, the worse the inevitable loss would become; the more likely we would be to become paralyzed by grief into inaction at a crucial moment. Sadly, I didn't seem to make any of them totally dislike me, despite my best efforts. Eld and Petra in particular I caught watching me with misty eyes when they thought I wasn't looking.

Still, it was a while before I had any spare time or energy to see Erwin. On a rare occasion when formation and hand signal practice had both gone better than expected, it seemed I had a free evening. I decided it had been too long since I'd seen him. I went to his office and as usual entered without knocking. And met a pair of eyes I had never seen before in my life.

Behind Erwin's desk, a nobleman stood, staring at me. As if I was the intruder here. Pretty for a man, tall and on the willowy side but still slightly plump in his cheeks, with long, wavy black hair half tied up at the back and half hanging loose about his shoulders, and finer clothes than I had ever seen in my life. He only showed a moment of slight surprise before raising a condescending brow.

"Oh," he said with interest. He gracefully stepped around to the front of Erwin's desk and rested his hands back on it as he appraised me. "I didn't know soldiers were allowed to swan in to see their commander unannounced," he said in a tone that said he found it amusing.

I stared back at him for some time. But, unable to think of a more appropriate thing to say, I simply responded, "…the fuck are you?"

He raised his eyebrows in an instant of total disbelief, as if I had sprouted feathers. He apparently wasn't used to hearing cursing. "Ah. Of course," he said to himself after an instant to recover his dignity, a hint of a smile curling his lip. "You must be Levi."

I narrowed my eyes. "Says who?"

But instead of answering, he merely tilted his head a little and his smile widened into one of almost pity. "What a pleasure it is, Captain Ackerman. I've heard so much."

"I haven't heard shit about you," I answered glibly.

He gained a smirk even as his eyebrows raised with incredulity. "Yes. How charming. Erwin told me about your colorful way of speaking. Tell me, does everyone in the Underground talk like you?"

I knew an attempt to bait when I heard one. Of course, it didn't make it any easier to shake off old wounds about being treated differently because where and how I was born. Nor did I fail to notice that he had referred to Erwin casually by his first name. "Where is Erwin?" I asked simply.

"At the moment? I think he's right behind you."

I flinched and turned. Erwin had indeed walked up behind me, holding a record book of some kind which he'd apparently been out to get, and blinked in surprise at my presence. "Levi…this is a surprise." He closed the door behind him as he frowned with concern at me. "Is something wrong? Forgive me for a moment, Damian," Erwin added to the nobleman.

Damian merely pushed up his narrow shoulders in an elegant, magnanimous shrug, still maintaining his soft, deceptive smile.

I watched the nobleman stand there like the cat that got the canary while contemplating what this situation meant. Once again, it felt like I was the one intruding. But on what? Who was this person to Erwin? While my first thought was that he was some sort of ally among the pigs that Erwin was trying to win over, that scenario didn't eliminate the possibility that this was one of Erwin's rumored lovers in the interior. His smile certainly said that whatever their relationship was, it was superior to whatever mine and Erwin's was. Which was what again?

"Levi?" Erwin asked, after my protracted silence.

It didn't seem like staying here would get me anything. And I didn't want to give this manicured pig the satisfaction of lowering myself to demand Erwin's time or attention. I glanced up at Erwin with an attempt at an utterly blank facial expression.

"Just reporting in. Things are going well with my squad. Mistakes are getting down to almost zero, but we'll keep working until it's there."

"Excellent," Erwin said, indeed looking pleased, if still a little surprised. "Of course I knew you could handle the task, but I'm glad your team is meeting our expectations as well."

"Yep," I said, and turned back toward the door. "See you later."

"Uh…Levi…was that all?" Erwin started to ask, but I had already hooked my foot in the door lip and yanked it closed behind me as I left.

I unconsciously clenched my fists for a few moments after I left, but then took a breath. I released them and attempted to let that feeling go. There was no use getting possessive about a man who sold his body to further his goals. It would be best to forget whatever it was that I had just intruded on.

It was dinner time now, but I wasn't in a mood to go in with a bunch of sweaty brats. Instead, on the way to the mess hall I took a detour to fill my canteen at the water pump first. Unfortunately, like a bad penny, Mike turned up as he was wont to do whenever I least wanted to see him.

He approached the water pump as I had just started filling my canteen and leaned on a nearby pillar to stare at me. I flicked a glare up at him. "What?" I demanded.

He brandished an empty flask.

I sighed. "I'll go."

"No hurry," he said, glancing aside and sounding unusually uncombative.

I raised an eyebrow. But if he wasn't here for a fight, then I might as well finish filling my canteen. I did so silently as Mike continued to stand there, watching me, little noise around us but the flow of water and the sound of a few people chatting nearby as they went to the mess hall.

"I heard your team is looking good," Mike said.

I flinched, staring up at him with a frown of befuddlement. "Well this is a bad omen. What's wrong with you?"

Mike sniffed, looking mildly annoyed. "I'm not always out to get you, you know."

"Meaning you mostly are."

Mike shifted his jaw, still looking rather unlike himself. He seemed like he was holding back from saying something, which was even more unlike him, so I just kept staring at him in bemusement until he finally spit it out. "You just came from Erwin's office?" he muttered.

"Yeah," I muttered, still not appreciating him intruding on my business. I stepped back from the pump and took a drink from my flask before screwing the cap back on. "We haven't fucked today, if that's what you're curious about."

Mike froze for a moment with anger but sighed, apparently not in the mood to take up that fight. The big dog bent down to fill his own as he searched for words. This was all too weird. What was he hesitating about?

"The guy that's in there right now," Mike muttered softly, as if someone might be listening. But there was no one near. "He introduce himself?"

My brows drew tight together. "No," I muttered suspiciously. "But Erwin said his name. 'Damian'."

Mike nodded, though his expression soured. "Lord Damian Nassau von Hadamar, that's his actual name. Erwin's the only one he gives permission to use his first name, from what I've heard."

"Okay. So what?" I asked, surprised enough by this change of attitude in him that I decided to bite.

Mike scowled, straightening to screw the cap back on his flask. "Well. He's a close relative of the former royal family. Which means of course he's also related to the queen. One of the few who didn't lose any power or status during the coup."

"Yeah? He sounds like a pretty typical pig. Why get your hackles up over it?"

"Because he's not a pig. And there's nothing 'typical' about that reptile, whatever he is," Mike answered immediately. Disdain for the nobility was one thing we had in common after all, so I had no reason to doubt this assessment. "Did you notice? He's got a similar feeling to Erwin, don't you think?"

I thought back on our interaction. I realized that while he had attempted to bait me, he'd given me almost no information. And though I obviously wasn't the best at reading facial expressions, his had revealed absolutely nothing to me. Though he had seemed to show amusement, it was the same kind Erwin sometimes showed, and that was notoriously unreliable. And behind that amusement, conspicuous nothing. In retrospect is was almost frightening.

"So?" I asked, though I was pretty sure I knew where he was going.

"So Erwin's confidence, and his success, is all based around one fact: having no intellectual equal inside these walls."

"What about Hange?"

Mike rolled his eyes. "…arguably smarter but insane. And far less devious, which is the whole point. Well, what if Erwin not only had an equal, but someone clever enough to keep that fact from even him?"

I mulled this over as Survey Corps started crowding into the mess hall behind us. "Hm," I muttered. "Well what if he did?"

"Think a little bit for yourself, booty call," Mike growled, obviously losing patience with me. I had to blink a little at being referred to that way. "Erwin makes his way through life using people in such a way few realize what he's doing. So if a nobleman does the same thing to him, who knows what it could mean for us? The point is, of all the tail Erwin gets through, he's the one I hate most."

"Aw," I said, tilting my head as if looking at a cute puppy. "That's almost sweet. Thanks, Fido."

Mike shuddered from head to toe. "I said 'hate _the most_ ', don't read into it. And anyway, that means I only hate you _less_ because you're stupid. Look, just watch out for him, all right?" He left, shaking his head and muttering, "You try to do a good deed and look where it gets you."

In spite of taking any opportunity to put Mike off, I kept his warning in mind. Not that I needed any other reason to resent Erwin's other lovers. At the same time, I assumed I was unlikely to see him again. Apart from Erwin, we didn't exactly run with similar crowds.

Nevertheless, I was still pretty sexually frustrated and wanted to be with Erwin, so the next day as we again finished training on a good note, I visited his office again. But this time, rather than finding Erwin – or his pig friend – I found it empty. It was not like Erwin to stop working so early. More importantly, it was annoying. I asked around and found a few people who said they'd seen him walking down by the river. What the fuck was he doing down there?

Motivated primarily out of annoyance, I walked through the merchant area of town to get to the nearest bank. It took another ten minutes or so of walking before I spotted his huge blond head. He was sitting on the opposite bank, another figure stretched out beside him. I stopped walking as I realized who it was. But that wasn't what put a chill through my whole body.

Erwin was sitting in an unusually relaxed posture for him, leaning part of his weight on one hand behind him and watching the person beside him with a warm smile. That person, I should not have been surprised to find, was the poncy young Lord von Hadamar. The young lord was mostly lying down, propped up on his elbows and now and then playfully stretching out one leg or the other. They talked for a time and then to my surprise, Erwin burst into laughter. Damian eventually laughed too and lightly pushed Erwin with his foot. I'd never seen Erwin like this. I can't describe the cold feeling that ran through my body as I watched, and at first I didn't even know why I felt that way.

Without waiting to see more, I turned and made my way back to the base. It slowly occurred to me along the way why that was so upsetting. In all ways, what I'd just seen had exceeded my worst fears about Erwin's possible feelings for me. It was making my extremities itch with an odd blend of anger and pain. What had concerned me before, Erwin's inability to love anyone, inability to love a man or lack of interest in sex, were blown away by deeper problems I hadn't considered before. What if he were perfectly capable of loving, and loving a man, and were perfectly satisfied by me in bed, but simply didn't feel that way about me? If the problem were not any of the obvious obstacles between us, but rather the most basic aspects of my personality?

Mike's words echoed back at me as I confirmed in my mind that I was everything that Lord von Hadamar was not. Where he was soft and pleasant, I was harsh and rough. Where he was cultured (and, I had a feeling, experienced), I was trash (and had rarely even been interested in sex before I met Erwin). Where he was pretty and well-proportioned, I was little, hard-bodied and had been told I had an ever-present scowl. And worst of all, this Damian was apparently Erwin's intellectual equal. While I couldn't think of one time I'd ever made him laugh openly.

So once again I had come to this crossroads. Apart from some physical pleasure once in a while, there didn't seem to be any benefit to me continuing to pursue Erwin's affection. After seeing them together like that, I lost all hope that I could ever inspire Erwin that way. A high-flying bird like him didn't have much use for a low and dark creature like me.

I stopped seeking Erwin out. And at first that just meant a few lonely nights for me, but then it seemed that Erwin began to notice my absence. I noticed him staring at me a couple of times during larger training sessions and meals. Finally, he called out to me after I had left the mess hall after dinner one evening.

"Levi," I heard him call from a distance behind me.

I didn't turn and kept walking.

"Levi," he called again, but I still didn't respond. Finally, he jogged up behind me and his tone sharpened a little. "Levi!" he said as he came up behind, too close to pretend I hadn't heard him. "Did you hear me? Where are you going?"

"Nowhere. I'm off duty so I'm going back to my room." I turned away from him and kept walking.

"Stop!"

He grabbed my hand and pulled me to a halt. I flicked a glare back up at him, not liking to be forced to do anything. But he looked down at me with confusion.

"Levi are you avoiding me?"

"No."

"Really?"

Though normally not confident in my ability to best Erwin in strength, my anger helped me yank my hand away from him with such force it hurt. He gazed at me in disbelief as I examined the red marks his nails had just made around my wrist, though unintentionally.

"What's to avoid?" I muttered, ignoring his shock. "I don't have any business with you, so why would I seek you out? I haven't been neglecting my duties, have I?"

"You know that's not what I mean," Erwin replied in a dark undertone. I shivered. "You're not busy with your squad anymore, but it's been weeks since we met. Why don't you come to my room?"

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Because I don't feel like it. Is it that big an inconvenience to you? Are you so desperate to have rough sex?"

Erwin recoiled, anger clouding over his expression unexpectedly. Was he offended by that? "Don't be vulgar," he muttered, and I noticed his gaze flick toward a couple of subordinates passing nearby.

Pain flickered through my chest at those words. "Mm," I murmured, looking away and wishing this would be over quickly. "I guess you'd like me better if I weren't vulgar, huh?"

"What are you talking about, Levi?" Erwin demanded, again looking angry.

"That is too bad. But maybe I don't like not being liked for that reason." I started to walk away again and as I did said over my shoulder, "Talk to me if I'm shirking my duties."

I heard him take a breath as if to object, but he stopped himself. I didn't venture to wonder how he felt about being rejected by me, but I didn't entertain any hopes that he might miss me. I returned to my room. As I closed the door behind me, it felt like closing the door on this stupid love I'd briefly entertained. And that, well…that felt like shit.


End file.
